Idek where to start. I dont know what to do any more I'm lost and have been lost for way too long. I have 0 motivation for anything. I have suicidal thoughts everyday. My anxiety is crippling to a point where I cant go outside during the day. I'm starting to dislike and push away everyone around me I know it's not good but I cant help it. I feel like I'm stuck in this haze that I only get to come out of for like an hour a day. I'm not even conscious of my actions half the time I'm just on autopilot. Whenever I try to stick to some sort of plan to better my self I always fail so I keep trying and trying but no matter what nothing ever helps. I just get in these moods where I dont care about anything I just lose any energy or motivation to better myself. So I just go back to stage 1. I am super fucken lonely and no it's not cuz I'm starting to push people away around me. Even when we were closer I felt alone. I'm sure alot of it stems from childhood trauma but fuck I cant even organize my self to go to therapy or a psychologist Doubt I can even afford it all. My only other answer is pills atleast my work covers those I'm just afraid of the side effects. i cant think of any other way out. At this point I'm slowly descending mentally and I'm afraid it may lead to suicide so I need to act before I dont even have the motivation to save my self perhaps the solution is simpler that I think. Perhaps I expect too much from myself and thus crippling myself with impossible to meet expectations. I feel like such fucking loser I'm 24 and still have fuck all figured out. I wish I had a place to feel safe and call a home. I just want someone I can trust and be close with. I have friends but I feel close to no one. I feel like wasted potential. I know I may seem pathetic but trust me when I say I am trying REALLY hard.. I just dont know how much longer I can keep this up.