I legitimately can't think in cohesive ways right now so I'm sorry if some things don't make sense but I'm using the last bit of brain power I have left to ask for help.

I... Don't want to be on this worthless planet anymore... I'm sick of constantly being haunted by guilt, depression, and memories of extreme emotional abuse and to top it all off I think I'm also experiencing dysphoria over my body because why not... I can escape all of these but each one comes back fairly quickly and when they all do at the same time I just completely crumble to pieces. I want to end it. I want the will power to end this whole goddamn life of mine but no I'm too fucking scared to do it. Every time I want to just plunge a knife or into me or do something similar I get terrified of the unknown and it drives me insane to no end. I hate being a fucking burden to everyone but my own fears keep me from alleviating everyone of dealing with me. "Go see a therapist" I ALREADY DO. A THERAPIST ISNT A ONE WAY FIX FOR EVERYTHING. IM BROKEN AND IN SHAMBLES BECAUSE NEARLY EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I MAKE LEAVES ME AS SOON AS I SHOW MY EMOTIONAL SIDE. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR SOMEONE WHOS WILLING TO MAKE ME FEEL LOVED AND WANTED? SOMEONE WHO CALLS ME NICE THINGS AND SOMEONE WHO IS SUPPORTIVE OF ME? someone who loves me or is a dear friend to me... someone i can fucking trust with my emotions. someone who won't abandon me. i cant think anymore.. im ending my post here so i can cry while all of my thoughts blur together and make me feel like im in pain