Hi all... Just so nobody gets confused I'm Alex (or Alexis) and I'm a 20 year old femboy I... I don't even know how to explain this. I feel insane thinking about it and I'm scared of venting it out but I can't take this anymore. I had an extremely emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive girlfriend who would basically scream at me via text if I didn't talk to her for about an hour among quite a few other things. These were hundreds of texts in the span of a few minutes, (the most being about 500 once) all saying things like "I thought I was the one" "am I a joke to you?" "How can you treat me like this?!" and she did this knowing that I have depression brought on by guilt and in doing so i always felt like the one doing something wrong. It brought me to tears every time she did it and for some reason I took her apologies. She knew what to call me and what compliments to say to me and I couldn't help but feel safe with her because of it despite the abuse she was doing. She would also keep bringing up mistakes that I did despite me telling her that doing so makes me have panic attacks...

Despite all of this.... I can't get her out of my head. The positive affirmations and validation were things I couldn't and still can't get from anyone else. Either I get too scared to talk to someone for a day and those people leave me or people leave me because I'm emotionally broken and need support. My ex was there every time. Despite being a horrible person she was the only one who seemingly cared enough to always be in check with me and it's driving me insane. I've tried therapy I've tried being more social I've tried being open with a few close friends and all that has brought was ruin. My constant need for validation and affection drives everyone away breaking my sanity and emotions even more and I can't vent out to any close friends in fear of driving them away. Because of this my head keeps traveling back to the only moments of pure hapiness that I felt... Happiness that I got from an abusive relationship I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if any of this made sense.