Just a ramble. I really mean my apologies too before we start. Like I know it makes me feel worse, but i want you the reader to know i realize ive caused you some harm and it does bother me. Im sorry you have to read this and waste your time. I wish i was something amd trust me ive spent years trying. What do you expect from a failure? Consistent fuck up aren't I?...Wishing I was dead is no longer an option. I hate that I'm so cowardly. Why don't I? Cuz I'm dumb enough to believe that tomorrow will be better and to keep trying and that horrible mental jargon they puke on you until you puke it up cuz I'm too stupid to do anything other than be the worthless waste of space. And it makes me feel so horrible that I keep taking space and air for people who deserve it and have people that love them and care about them even a little. I don't have that and I know I don't and the drive to find it was what I use to keep going knowing NO FUCKING PERSON CARES EVEN TWO MINI MINUTE SHITS ENOUGH TO EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT CARING TWO SHITS ABOUT ME. That's how pathetically worthless and useless I am. Yet here I sit... I wish I could have someone do it for me so the pain ends but that's wrong too. A person like me should have the right to end my life especially since i can easily and clearly show I waste of all kinds of necessities others need. The only person I have literally kicks me out on a daily basis, bashs me to every one he talks to, puts me down, never compliments me, never romances me, complians im lazy, tells me I'm worthless and useless, that I take all his money and he can't take care of himself he wants me gone knowing I gave up all my family and friends for him and I have no where nor no one to even say hey can I crash a night. I got rid of every one. I had to stop talking to them for him and I did it and it still isn't enough but I'm wrong for wanting to kill my self? Who can live like this?? Where you give and give and you ask of is to treat you with a bit or dignity cuz I do my fair share and i dont male as much but i give ALL i can and never get told anything but its not enough. Im hurting so deeply! Death is the only relofef from this pain. I come home after a stressful day to get yelled and called names and escorted to the hospital by police and I'm still wondering what tf did i do wrong?? All I want to do is die. I am so tired of being the source of the world's misery. I'm not trying to be! I set out daily with the mantra to make the world better. I'm so lonely and hurt so deeply. What can i do to better your day Stephen??? Has he even asked me anything close to that?? Why? What did I do??? Just make it stop. It hurts and all I wanted was to be told I'm OK and loved. My dumb ass knows that's not true. I deserve no love yet I keep trying cuz I'm a pErSoN and DeSeRvE To blah blah blah and it's not true obviously. I deserve it though cuz I'm a shit woman. Look at me. I don't deserve to be loved. I just need to tell myself that and stick with it. Cuz I bring this on myself. I know Stephen doesn't love me. He does all he can to tell me even saying it and what do I do? Stephen I get you're upset and blah blah blah but it's just yoir words are hurtful and lies and gaslight but I take it cuz I'm a fucking pathetically disgusting deserving worthless trash can black burnt dumpster fire that not even Satan can look at. And that's all I'll be is nothing. Why can't i just make peace with it?! Why do I lie to myself?! Clearly I'm nothing. I just need to keep that and stop trying to belive that I matter. I really feel once I get that imperically I'll be done and can die without the extra... well let me get back to it. I'm gonna go keep crying and hope the voices actually move me to some action this time.idk even what to say or do. I'm just gona wait and wish a stay bullet finds me or a man will come and snatch me or a car will hit me... I will hope. Oh how hard I hope.