So, I don't really even know where to begin, im writing this at 2 am and prob will delete this when i wake up.. or maybe not i never know. This j also a copy paste i did on self help. I forgot to add thay i am 18.

Well to begin with i feel like im not actually doing bad in life,i speak almost four languages,I've got great friends,i try to stay fit,my school grades are fine not perfect but fine, my domestic situation is.. okay too but i always feel like something's wrong everything's so good and other people have it worse and i don't know why do i complain?

Then there's another thing, I can't do things i want, there's always something blocking me from pursuing things, and honestly.. it's so mentally tearing I've already "pruned too deeply, almost cutting myself off at the roots." I just can never do something or just simply choose, i like so many things, so many interests in everything.. but that just makes me feel like i have no personality and half of the things i can't even pursue, what's worse even those that I pursue, i almost drop the immediately BUT NOT because i chose it.. well i do but i want to pursue it.. i really do but then as always i just go back to bed, always feeling exhausted even while I've barely done anything.I live far away from my friends so can't even hang out with them that often.. the only thing that has stayed with me since i started is going to the gym or biking but even they sometimes dwindle. It's the same with everything, i know that what i try doing is good for me and my future but i always end up doing the same.. giving up, simply laying in my bed.. rotting. But I'm aware what im doing and i try to sct against it but the mental tear that comes with it.. is just so bad. For example I've work tomorrow but instead of sleeping im writing all this. I've also never experienced love either, i am completely pure, my friends already dated multiple people and are impure, and I've started thinking love ks useless.. but j still skmetimes yearn for it bht hearing about people of this generation is just so.. disappointing.. Oh since i kinda grew up mentally slow and kids my age were more mature than me therefore i barely had friends I never realised i was different from the others, dumber in almost every way... but now I'm more matured, realised that while growing up i was indeed slow, some say im more mature than others and unlike before i have great friends.. at least that's what I think but again the same as always, and always and always the voice saying they're fake, not good enough. During me "emo" phase i started listening to loud music and till now i do as i went into the gum culture it was acceptable and.. it's one of the few times i feel in peace but i know it's bad for my health. My parents are divorced and my relationship with my father is perfect, i have a half brother but his dad also left our brother, while growing up i kinda raised him, my mother is very frail and had multiple surgeries while i was growing up and i learned to be independent from young and how to take care of minor tasks for my family, now i have a step father, he's an ex soldier just retired recently and at the beginning he was a bit abusive since his parents were abusive too and treated harshly but he really tries hard for us even though his humour is very degrading or just bad but it's visible he tries, oh and to clarify hes not abusive anymore and has not been for few years, dam almost cried when writing about my mother part. But besides everything, i never know am i enough, what am k doing wrong, I don't know whether im depressed, i mean i don't feel like it, life is just what it is. Is it not?

I think this is all,i wrote whatever I'm currently thinking,i feel tired, this mumble jumble of words is full of holes and incomplete stories, I don't even know whether I'm posting this in the correct subreddit.

But i really just don't know what to do anymore, i won't. "prune too deep,and almost cut myself off at the roots." again because i know my mother would possibly enter a coma because of her heart problems and other reasons but i feel like if she wasn't there... I might just do it? But at the same time there are other people having it worse and i shouldn't complain, I mean to be honest I dont even know whether im complaining or not, life just feels exhausting.

So i just have a question, what do I do? How do i make it so that I don't feel so lost, confused. I just feel.. absolutely lost.