Hi, first let me start in saying that I hope you had a better end of year than I did.

I was what I thought was a loving and supporting relationship, but the last 6 weeks have made me question everything. I will preface this whole thing by saying that I could've done things a bit differently and a bit better, but I know I put as much of myself as I possibly could in our relationship and I had nothing but good intentions for her.

We had a relationship for 5 years and at the beginning I had trust and jealousy issues that broke it up a year in. I went to therapy and was mostly successful with maintaining trust and not being jealous of my partners past. The last 4 years were loving, but the last 18 months she has rejected my initiations for intimacy so many times. I started getting into some bad habits when it came to releasing my sexual tension and it was because she wanted me to find other women to have sex with, but I didn't want to have sex with anyone else if I couldn't be intimate with her. She claims it was my lack of confidence a couple of weeks ago but she stated that was 12 months ago.

We had lovely times together and would talk a lot, but I noticed things were off the first time she went to New York for herself and to see friends. She would text me constantly whenever things weren't going well with whoever she visited but I'm NYC she would not text me at all. I was fine and understood she was enjoying her time so there was nothing to say to her. She came back and for the next couple of months we both decided her moving back to New York and getting a job would be better than her staying in my hometown (small but big) and not finding any work. Money was an issue because I only made $35k and I was paying her rent, her power, her transportation and food costs, and whenever we went anywhere I would pay for her travel alongside mine. It was hard but I did it so she would one day be self sufficient.

She leaves before Thanksgiving under pretense that things between us will get better. I fall asleep for 2 days straight and she gets angry at me not contacting her. I tried to talk to her for 2 weeks straight but I wouldn't get as much as a "hey sorry my phone died or was missing". When she did decide to talk, she was drunk, already working at her job for a week without letting me know, and ready to break up with me. It hurt but I understood our relationship wasn't working as it is and I agreed, I told her how much the way she handled everything hurt and she apologized.

She came back a week later to collect her things, and the moment she landed she wanted to be intimate, tried having sex with me, and acting like everything was ok, but she drank heavily and procrastinated on putting her things away. The next 3 days she got more distant and I knew things didn't add up so I went back to my old habits and looked at her phone. I saw a conversation between her and her old friend talking about the future,busing our love language that we made together, being excited about having sex with him, and talking about all the hopes that we used to talk about. I will admit that I could have been better, but I felt like she was just taking everything that she could before she could leave. I confronted her and she told me she only started talking to him about a possible relationship after we broke up. I believed her and tried giving her a better sendoff than what was happening. She blames our lack of intimacy on my lack of confidence and not going to the gym, she blames me for her lack of confidence but in the same sentence thanks me for making her kind and patient. It felt like she took no accountability and just kept putting it on me.

I noticed that she kept lying to me after all that, saying that she wasn't having a good life when I knew for a fact that with her old friends and her new relationship and a new $85k job, she was having a better life. She ghosted me 2 weeks ago and I've had the worst end of a year I could possibly imagine, losing family, friends, and opportunities because of uncontrollable circumstances and she ghosted me.

I have been trying to get therapy, and I have appointments all this week talking to therapist, and I am getting help, but I can't help but be so angry at her for what she did and for her taking so much. I gave up so much of my life to help her, I put myself out there and I pushed her to be better, I fought against her so that she could be healthy and one time it actually saved her life. I was not doing any of this for me, I was hoping that she would get better for us but the moment she did, she left. I can't help but feel used, gaslit, like my trust was abused, and depressed further than anything I could imagine. I need help for so many other issues, I'm just so angry that she decided to dump a whole load of shit on me on top of everything I need to work on. After so many years of fighting for her and helping her and pushing her to be better for herself, I can't help but to hate myself for giving her all of that. I know I could have done better but what she did made me feel like the last 5 years meant nothing. I think she's avoidant, and I know she has lots of trauma, but I feel traumatized by this. I don't know if I can trust again, I don't know if I want to open my heart up, and I am so scared and so alone and so tired. I just want things to be over and she just left everything for me to deal with.

What do I do? I know she loved me. Her actions say otherwise. It would be easier for me to move on if I knew she wasn't complete asshole, but I know she isn't. I know she's just trying to protect herself but she hurt me so deeply and triggered my traumas of being ghosted and feeling used. I hate that she think she's in the right with everything and it's okay for her to leave me like this. I am hurt and I am broken right now, I don't know how to move on. I want to keep loving her, and I am so angry at myself for wanting that. At the end I don't feel like her partner, but like her parent. She blames me for so many things but can't take accountability for what she did to me. I want to stop hurting, I want friends again, I want to work on my career, and I wish we broke up amicably.

I'm currently sitting alone in my house sick of COVID, alone and suffering lung issues. I thought that she cared about me, and maybe she did, but she wasn't willing to keep helping. She got what she wanted and she left. I've written so many notes and papers telling her about how I feel but I don't want to send any because I don't want her to be sad. I want to hurt her like she hurt me, but I can't bring myself to do that to someone I loved.

It's a new year, I want to move on, I don't want to feel so alone. It's sad, it's tormenting, and I really don't want to open myself up anymore to anyone. It is almost unbearable, and so many times I wish I had the balls to kill myself, but I know I won't because I love my family too fucking much to put them through that. I just feel so hurt and trapped. Most importantly, I am so angry at myself for letting this happen, for supporting her, for helping her, loving her, and for wanting to keep loving her even after all of this.

Edit: thanks mods for that automatic reply, but I have only brought benefit to everyone I met. I help everyone with what they need, I've pushed people to get good grades, spent hours helping them understand things they thought they couldn't, helping them know when something is wrong, and spending so much of my soul to help. The only one who never improves or gets better is me. People are so happy to take, but they never want to give.