I thought I was going to watch this and be ok afterward like I usually am after watching queer love stories. Maybe I am just in an emotional state because my depression is coming back around, or maybe I was particularly vulnerable because of the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, but this show has broken me down.

I was in love with my best friend in middle school/high school and we had a relationship that was definitely more than just a friendship, but she wasn’t out at the time (I was out as bi) and she didn’t come out until a few years into college after we’d mostly lost contact. Seeing the scenes of Nick and Charlie falling for one another in Ep1 and Ep2 hurt me so badly because I remember being in the same situation as Charlie and feeling like there was something more in the actions but rationalizing it because of the friendship. And it just hurts to see Ep3/4 when they kissed and got together because it is something I could never have had. I graduated high school in 2015 and that is not a terribly long time ago but it feels like lightyears in terms of how safe and comfortable kids feel about coming out. I’m not bitter about that because I think it's beautiful and wonderful, but it still makes me sad for the younger version of myself.

I feel like I compartmentalized the relationship I had with this friend for so long and, although I acknowledged there probably was something there more than friendship, I never analyzed my feelings about that. Now I am having to mourn the loss of a relationship and the potential relationship I never had and it's so overwhelming. I’ve been greedily consuming all the Heartstopper media I can get my hands on though because while I am in a state of grief for my own story I am in love with the joy Oseman depicts in hers.