I had a breakdown. It was hard, and I was left behind. The more information we gather medically the worse the reality of what happens hurt. I had been there through thick and thin, and there was finally light at the end of the tunnel. Since then nothing has been the same, and I feel like I am hanging on to life by sheer will. Nothing has brought me joy since. I was diagnosed with heartbreak syndrome after three visits to the emergency room that looked and felt like tachycardia.

I want it to end in my sleep when I do not have to think of regret or the fact that being dead means never creating more change for myself. Therapy, meds, doing hard work on myself, and the truth is I am only happy when I dream. I want so much to find the light in myself to keep going, but when your body cannot create serotonin or dopamine it is hard to "find happiness in myself".

When I have lead other Therapy groups and survivor classes for trauma, it was easy to remind people that it is okay to find a reason, any reason to keep going. I just wince at every memory, every reminder of our laughter, our inside jokes, pet names, foods you name it. It is like being. punished daily. I cannot even say I am in love anymore because the breakup hurt so bad, and i was left to die, I just know that now I am sure that this is where I am and there may be no way out.

I can keep struggling but the why is overwhelming me. I have told and been told that when one confronts and deals with the kinds of trauma I am working through (I really do not want to go. into to it) It is easy to want to lay down and be done, that with the lack of positive chemicals running in me I am basically living off of vitamins and faking it.

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I am exhausted.