Hello everyone,

Just gonna rant incoherently for a bit. Thank you in advance for listening. Background on me, depressed 26 chubby socially anxious virgin. So take everything with a grain of salt.

So I've recently admitted to having feelings for my friend I met online 6 years ago. About 6 months after initially talking we became best friends. We discussed at the time, that it would be a bad idea to get feelings for each other because we're both online and live thousands of miles away. Especially since we hadn't met IRL. Eventually, we met IRL and it was pleasant, though I was extremely sleep deprived and nervous. she did her best to make me feel comfortable. First time meeting an online friend. Met some other online friends on this trip as well.

Anyhow, blah blah blah. She eventually began flirting with me and I just ran with it. But it was more of a just playing around type of flirting. Eventually, real feelings formed, but it was only one-sided. Tried my best to stop and succeeded, but it came back. And repeated this a few times. Now I've finally just admitted this was going on in the background of our friendship. I'm feeling awful. Feeling fake. Disappointed in myself for letting it go on this long. We're both taking it well, but I'm sure all of you know it's still hard even if there's no reason to feel bad about it.

Right now, I'm confused about what to feel. Questioning my feelings. I've never been in touch with my feelings and just bottled them in, so this is the first time I've felt this sorrow. Is this my fault? I really loved her as a friend, so feeling guilty. We're going to talk later. I'm afraid I've done damage. Wondering what our friendship will be like, we're good friends. I love her. She's the person I care about most. We're choosing to distance ourselves. Hopefully, it's for the best. I should spend more time outside. Love you [Name Redacted]

Thank you all for reading. This sucks.