I wanted to ask people about this for a long time,

personally I ruined my 3 year connection with someone who meant the world to me although we had uneasy foundations in the beginning that which planted a seed of destruction inside of me for intrusive thoughts leading to false mistrust & betrayal trauma as our relationship started with lustful depression to a true & beautiful connection but my s/o had a sugar daddy before & even a bit after we started dating & I was told before we started dating but I knew it helped her out so I decided why not & did my best to support it for a little bit until I realized what it was doing to me inside & then she stopped the arrangement & never did it again but thats when I started having the intrusive thoughts & even developed bad habits I never wanted, such as lying, breach of privacy (digging into her phone at night) (reading her journal) and with it I seen all sorts of stuff even from before we started dating & while we were in the first stages of dating that ruined my outlook on who she was despite not being in any position to judge based on my own past before her but eventually after things got worse I developed panic disorder & would have such bad panic attacks I would call the ambulance on myself every other day & couldn’t sleep due to night terrors, couldn’t go to work without panic attacks let alone trusting her to be left alone without doing some sus things but she never did as far as I’m aware, all sorts of manipulative behaviours, gaslighting, inception, controlling who she would talk to, she even lost friendships online trying to comfort me & we lived together for those 3 years, you could only imagine how she felt being shacked up with someone who was suffering from all that happened & projecting it into herself..

Near the end of our breakup before I seen it coming she gave me multiple chances to go away for a few weeks at a time in order to self reflect & make a plan to fix myself but I had also developed very bad separation anxiety, along with depersonalization & all sorts of stuff I had no knowledge about until I spoke to a psychologist.

Even still now, after about a year & a bit since I last seen her I love her so much because I seen the pieces she had to give of herself to try make it work & I’ll never have the words to describe what she means to me, I’ve already told her but how could she ever trust me again let alone even risk it based on words & tears.

Shortly after our breakup when I moved back to my hometown I even lied to her best friend that I slept with someone else in order to have her tell her friend so she could hate me because I felt so much shame due to how I treated her 💔

Going back to the time when she gave me chances away from her for a few weeks I even came out & told her mother about what was happening between us & all my issues & the bad ways I treated her & her mother was in disbelief & even took my side despite my harsh treatment of her beloved daughter but I didn’t want her take take a side or anything I just wanted to tell someone about it & I trusted her mother, but how humiliating that I told her mother only to find out that even her grandma & father & older sister knew what she was doing when we first started dating & nobody ever questioned it (for good reason of course) wouldn’t be their beeswax but still, I felt like less of a man, it took everything from who I was & fucked me sideways, even now I’m left with reminders, remnants of a broken man who struggles to love himself & heal from it.

She still has so much power over me despite not seeing her for over a year, we only stopped talking in September.

I feel sometimes I want to drive up deep into the mountains until I run out of gas then walk until my body freezes & move on to the next world but I don’t want to do that to myself as life is valuable & precious far beyond emotional pain would hinder.

I love this woman so much despite all that happened, she wouldn’t ever come back to me I know that now but I can’t stop dreaming of her, a life together, kids & travelling, pets, all of it, LITERALLY DREAMING, lucid dreams even & they won’t stop, I even started smoking cannabis to suppress the dreams but they won’t go away.

I’ve already mostly forgiven myself & even herself as well but what I wouldn’t give to have a renewal of possibility with her once more.

I know the past is past & nothing is forever but still..

My heart, whatever defines me as a soul, loves this woman so much beyond comprehension & metaphorical or fantasy, dreams or anything could explain.

I wish I never took her for granted or let my emotions cloud my judgement or whatever happened to me I wish I never messed the love & connection we had.

She was my life, everything & everyone I ever wanted to spend my time with.

I love her & now she is gone

For the rest of my life I will forever be sorry I ever affected her the way I did.