I (31m) had the most significant relationship of my life…for 9 months. I don’t date. Being in a relationship never came easy for me. Something about her (29f) though clicked and I was head over heels. So, to me, 9 months is a very long time to be with one person.

But it wasn’t without some level of discomfort. I had my doubts. I probably wasn’t the best boyfriend. But we had a lot of fun and adventures together.

Two months ago we mutually agreed to part ways. Nothing happened. We just realized we had different life goals and timelines. I never said no to wanting children. I just said I wasn’t sure. She said she wanted them within two years. That scared me a bit.

So I felt some comfort in what we were doing. Knowing that it sucked but was for the best.

Since then, we’ve remained friends. Sharing memes. Talking to each other daily. And, yes, occasionally hooking up. I tried to go on a couple of dates with other folks but I always felt like I was cheating on her. So I put an end to it.

I never really knew I wanted a family. But something clicked in the last month. I realized that if she was going to be part of a family of mine, I’d be quite lucky.

This week marks the one year anniversary of us meeting (s/o Hinge). I wrote her a letter and dropped it off personally while she was at work. I explained my position. I wanted to have a conversation about getting back together and that I was still in love with her. As soon as I dropped it off, I started to visualize a fictitious future with her. I was convinced she would entertain the idea, at least.

I got a text message back - saying that she understood it must’ve been difficult for me to write that letter and, while she cherishes our time together and wants me to be happy, she is no longer romantically interested in me.

I did not respond.

I feel more heartbreak now than I did two months ago. I miss her so much already and it pains me to know that I probably shouldn’t talk to my best friend now.

Since receiving that message, I’ve taken off work. Mostly turned off my phone. And now I’m waiting around a few more hours until I can see my therapist to tell her this very story.

My loneliness and anxiety are peaking. Thinking about taking my dog and driving up to Michigan for the hell of it over the next couple of days.

Thank you for letting me vent here, Reddit.