5 beautiful, unforgettable years together. We grew into adults together, got our first apartment together, took psychedelics and grew our minds together, we truly did it all. We were inseparable. Every person we met told us we were an amazing team and belonged together. Our connection seemed to go beyond reality. We finished each others sentences, laughed until we cried, and made each other feel like we were the only people in the world. And that, in an ironic and poetic way, is what killed us.

She started getting cold feet and slowly pushed me away over the last year. Months and months of one foot in, one foot out. We slowly grew apart. I was dealing with some pretty bad anxious attachment and was really struggling with keeping a job, learning about the world, discovering who I was. She found a career she was really happy with and met so many people she loved, she was set on what she wanted to be, started investing time into her hobbies. We slowly realized we were no longer on the same page. She was my everything, and I was holding her back.

She finally decided to let me go 4 weeks ago. It seemed so sudden at the time but deep in my gut, I knew it was coming. I fought so hard and told her I'd do counseling, I'd go back to school, I'd start medication, I'd do anything to keep what we had. But that wasn't the conclusion she had came to. She knew the relationship was over.

Right now I've moved home to my parents, I'm working a dead end job 2 days a week, I don't have the energy or motivation to help myself, and I'm simply floating through life. She kept the apartment, all of our friends, and seemingly my entire life. I keep looking in the mirror and crying at what I see. Life used to make so much sense and the fire that burned for existence within me was so apparent, but now, it feels as though I have no purpose left.

She didn't do anything wrong. Hell, I didn't do anything wrong. We were just 2 restless souls that didn't have any fight left in us. I wish she would've hurt me. I wish she cheated, or lied, or some other horrible thing to make me hate her. I still feel so deeply in love with her and want to know what she's doing, if she's happy, if she had a good day.

The connection has rotted, we aren't the same people, and whenever we talk it's almost like the last 5 years never happened. It feels like a good acid trip that I've finally come down from, rooted back into the grey reality. It feels like I'm slowly losing my mind.

Goodbye for now, Shambalah. I can't say we'll ever be in each other's lives again, but I sincerely hope you never forget the memories and the time we spent together. I am who I am because of you. Maybe if we would've met when we were older things wouldn't have turned out this way.