Six months ago me and my friend went out to a club and threw out the night she was dancing on me and came a point where she looked at me and kissed me we pulled away and we both smiled and we went for a second kiss this was more sensual and the whole night we kept dancing…..skip a month ago she told me of guys she was talking with and I just felt horrible and through out my mood changed she noticed it and kept asking me what happened so i told her how I felt towards her and how she said we are way to close and how she doesn’t want to ruin our friendship but then when I tell her okay I get it there won’t be a chance between us at all, she then proceeds to say we don’t know what’s in store for us in the future between us ( I just feel like that’s giving me false hope)….and she always says it whenever this is brought up….we went out again to a club and she proceeds to dance with me again and just likes to be around me and I feel like we have something there, but she always says she pushes them down and continues to say about our future…at this point I figured out that she told her sibling she doesn’t feel like she would be able to deal with me for being a virgin (Ik this is sad I was never sought after through out high school, or no one really seemed interested in me, my first kiss was at 18 and I’ve kissed other women, and done other things but just never sex) so since I’ve found this out I’ve been wanting to feel some other type of feeling I’ve only felt sad, and lonely…I’ve punched trees, brick walls, and I’ve been wanting to pick a fight with people I just want to feel my fist against someone’s jaw, or vice versa I just want to feel other pain (I’m not suicid@l, Ik better than this) but the thing is I’d move stars and galaxies just to see her goofy smile, it sounds corny Ik lol, but that’s how I feel and knowing she doesn’t feel the same way towards me just rips me apart, Ik I should feel happy we’re still friends but at times I feel like if I keep bringing this up she’ll slowly push me away and I don’t want that like I don’t want her to feel guilty for me feeling like this cause I told her recently a small part of hopes something would change but a bigger side of me knows and tells itself it won’t happen and forced me to punch things, and she said she didn’t want me to feel like that and at the end of the night I asked her if we were good and she said yeah and I told her I don’t want you to feel guilty and she said I told you we’re good, look I don’t wanna talk about it and I said okay and we hung up the phone