Sorry for the vent:

I am alone and confused laying down in my bedroom looking at the ceiling. There was this woman in my life that I met online, we had so much sync and going well. Both of us were ambitious and so though we had feelings for each other she wanted to play safe because she doesn’t wanna be distracted from her goals. It was going well, we spend time with each other every day everywhere, even in my office. It was so amazing how it feels when I spend time with her. One day we had a small fight regarding who are we to each other matter and then we didn’t talk for 4 days. Then on the 5th day we both started talking and everything’s back to normal again.

One day she wanted to tell me something, I didn’t know what it was but she said it was something that’s bothering her a lot. I was like yeah sure you can tell me anything because that’s what I’m here for. What she told me killed me, that’s when I died for the first time. She slept with a guy because of the fight we had and in her words when she did that she felt this guilt that made her leave without finishing. She puked every time she thought about it, in her words she felt like shit. I felt betrayed I felt every sort of negative emotion but my love to her was so strong that I could not leave her but every bit of the cells in my body told me to. I forgave her and went back to normal again but then this guilt haunts her and she said she needs an alone time to recover. I told her take all the time you want I’ll wait for you. Fast forward few days and it seems like she got rid of every social platform including Reddit but except the platform we use to talk to each other. She said she doesn’t want anyone in her life anymore and she said she can’t even continue whatever we’re having between us. Then fast forward few more weeks she said she just wants to be alone in life and that she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. But every time something happens to her she still comes to me and tell me “everything” or so I hope. And then yesterday I found out that she has posted on make friends subReddit and few other subReddit about looking for new friends to talk to. This killed me again this is my second death, after all this I’m nothing to her but she’s still everything to me. If she just doesn’t like me then why not say that to my face? Rejection is just as important as acceptance, and she’s not doing that. I feel so angry and sad and lonely at the same time. Maybe I should have listened to my heart when she cheated me maybe I should have left her cold and brutally being nice and kind to people will only leave you hurt and devastated.

Right now I feel so hurt and alone and depressed while she’s out there socialising with people and happy. I don’t hate women, they are the most precious things in the world and they should be treated properly, protected and provided for. But man this anger and fate is getting too much for me to control. Hahaha on the bright side I beat all my PR in the gym, I beat so hard on the punching bag that my boxing partner didn’t spar with me. This power feels good hahaha. I will work on myself I’m not gonna let people like her ruin my life anymore, at-least next time something like this happens I’ll show no mercy.