From the very beginning, I knew we were a special pairing. The chemistry was there but our timing couldn’t have been more off. So I settled for the dread of an almost relationship, because “almost” meant that I could still have him. This fucking sucks. I feel like I’ve been strung along, kept hoping, and it never seem to end.

The problem with being his almost was that he always made me feel like I was more, but then I never was. The problem with being his almost was deciding if almost was enough, but almost will never be enough. So why am I still here, stuck in this never-ending cycle? I hold on because I want to see it through. I want to escape this weird limbo we’re in; I don’t want to wonder, “What if?” yet it’s still all I do.

The problem with being his almost is that it makes me feel like I’m almost enough, almost perfect, almost worthy. Almost, but never quite there. The problem is that it makes me feel so close to an “us” before it leads me down the dead-end road where there is no “us”. There’s just me and him on opposite sides of the same road, and no matter how hard I try, I can never reach him. I’m almost there, but never there, always participating in the same mind games. I avoid asking questions about what we are or where he sees this going because I don’t want to seem desperate, but it’s embarrassing because he knows how I feel. Everyone does, and he doesn’t acknowledge it. He leaves me feeling like it’s all one-sided, and then he keeps stringing me along. He wants to keep me in the shadows of his life - there was his world and then there was me. I live in this corner of his mind that he can access when it is convenient. When we’re together, it feels like this is going somewhere, like if I can just hold on for a little longer, he’ll finally choose me, but it’s always the same “bad timing” and “I need to work on myself” and then he leaves.

Lately, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever stop being someones second option. Every time they leave, I tell myself that I won’t make myself available again, but I’m lying to myself because I know that as soon as he comes back around, I’ll keep going.

I never get closure; there’s never a real goodbye. I’ll talk to other people when he’s away, but I never let things get serious because I’m always subconsciously holding on to the idea of an “us”. I think that next time will be different, only that next time never is. I tell myself that this time I’ll tell him that I want more, but then I stop myself because I don’t want to hear him say that he can’t give me more. I don’t want to hear all the reasons why this is a bad time.

I’m never more than convenient, never more than a half-hearted love from someone who can’t prioritize me. I’m always just an option. Always too much or too little. I love too hard or feel too much. Always need to change to make someone attracted to me because I’m never perfectly enough the way I am.