Hi everyone, tldr;

I'm a 31 year old male who yesterday on Valentine's day essentially had something end with someone I was really head over heels for. Long story short:

I got out of a five year relationship this past summer. I was living with my partner at the time, but I just didn't feel the same connection to her I once did.

I got out of a messy lease after getting into lots of debt, and moved back into my parent's home, where thankfully I've had the opportunity to pay down my debt slowly as the months go on. Around June, I'll be moving out (thankfully) of my parent's home, and back into my own apartment.

I met this girl right when I moved home. Long story short, I met her once before on a dating app YEARS ago, she ghosted me and stopped responding to my messages, but we matched again on a different app, this time, she ran with the conversation and displayed lots of indicators of high interest.

She lived in upstate NY and I'm on Long Island, so she was far away. That said, I picked her up, and we had an AMAZING first few dates. I was very physically attracted to her and she was to me too, we laughed and had plenty of good times.

I went away to Florida in December, and she was texting me the entire time. Looking back on the relationship, that might have been part of the problem, a lot of the relationship was through texting and not calling physically.

I came back from Florida, and things were fine. She was moving to NYC and just bought an apartment, so she was stressed about that. She finally moved into NYC, after not seeing her a few weeks but texting, I went to her apartment on a Tuesday night. We were both exhausted, and didnt say much, but I very much enjoyed her company and cuddling with her.

I saw her again on Saturday, and since then the texting dropped off. I bought her flowers since apparently I couldnt see her on Valentine's day, and she didnt text me at all on Sunday or Monday, so it was giving me weird vibes, I knew something was up. Yesterday, I called her, and asked her how she feels. She told me that she's been thinking about things for the past few days, and that while she really, really, really would have been my girlfriend a month ago, the past two times I saw her in the apartment "There was just something missing that I can't put my finger on, something was just not there for me, and I really wish it was, because I really, really, really wish this wasnt the case and wanted this to work."

This one stings because I've matched with her before, so mentally it feels like it was meant to be, maybe it wasnt. She also physically did things for me that other girls don't. I'm a decent looking guy, take care of myself, and work a decent job despite having debt.

I'm heart broken, feel emotionally unavailable, and not sure what to do next. What I do know, is that at this point, going forward, with the summer on the horizon, I'm going to go to work, pay off my debt, hit the gym, get my own apartment (again) so I can move out of my parents and never come back, and then once I'm in my NEW apartment, I'll be in a better headspace to be the best possible man I can be.

I'm heart broken, distraught, been crying in my room for the past few hours even though I don't cry over women, and feel emotionally unavailable. The future feels dark and not so bright, and I almost feel like giving up in life. That said, I have a good job, a decent looking guy, and I know many women would be happy to be with me. I'm going to crush it.

I'll miss this one, maybe forever. I did tell her "If you ever have a change of mind/heart, you have my number, feel free to give me a call."

I doubt I'll ever hear from her again, but I wanted to give her that door open . In the mean time, I guess it's time to get through this turbulent period and focus on the best things yet to come in the summer.