I just got out of my first proper relationship. I have such a mixture of feelings. I'm incredibly upset as while I'm sure it's probably cliché, I really did think I had just got lucky the first time around and this would be one to last. I had given everything to make this girl happy and to look after her. For the last few months of this relationship, she had been off with me and it was blatantly obvious to me that our relationship had become very one sided. I thought that because she was busy and had lots of stressful things going on in her life, I could persevere and work to make things better again when she had less on her plate. It basically felt like I was being neglected by the person most dear to me in the whole world and really without proper reason. I feel so annoyed at myself that I let myself believe that things were going to be fine and that if I could just cope with how hurt I was feeling for a little bit longer everything would work out. Instead, we have now ended things and should didn't even want to see me properly to give closure.

I don't really know what to do with myself now. I'm head over heels for someone who doesn't even seem to like me as a person anymore. I know it's a common feeling but I don't know what I did wrong to deserve this treatment. Some nights I see a typing notification from her on my phone and never any message and when I have spoken to her she says that she misses me. I don't want to block her and just remove her from my life as in my perhaps very naive mind, I still want to have the person I love, albeit unrequitedly, in my life even as a friend. I've been doing everything right in terms of looking after myself. I have always struggled very badly with mental health and it's been a battle to get to where I am now. I get hope sometimes hearing about couples who find their way back to one another but now I'm not sure I even want that as I don't think I can trust someone, especially her, not to hurt me again. It seems now that there’s no chance of redemption as she’s done everything she can to remove every trace of me from her life. While I’m hurt that she’d go to such sxtreme lengths in a way I’m relieved that she is in fact the person I’ve been too scared to accept. I'm in the unfortunate position where I'm at university and don't know many people to go out with and just distract myself. I've taken to live streaming with some friends from home occasionally as a way to 'escape' from my thoughts a bit.

I guess I’m posting this to ask for advice on how to live after such a thing and how to become a more grounded person. Loving yourself is always the hardest part in grief at least in my experience but I find it so hard to feel loved when people close to me seem to actively want to get away.