My grandmother and I were always pretty close. She could recognize the science sparkling in my eye at a young age, and she always strove to feed it with science fair projects and science kits.

She had been a biologist herself years ago, working as a medical technologist for a hospital for a while before getting a certificate to teach biology at the local high school. When I left for college and told her I was going to be a chemical engineer, she laughed at me and said, "You'll be in biology before the semester is up." And what do you know, her prediction came true by Thanksgiving break. It was her home. She knew who belonged in it.

She was a creative as well, singing and playing guitar, and that, too, I picked up from her. In her older years she didn't play and sing, but the day I came over with my brand new (well, secondhand) guitar and strummed her a few chords to Bobby McGee, her eyes lit up and she snatched a picture off her dresser and showed it to me, "This is me at the city talent show up in Greenville... back when I was more beautiful, of course. I'm pretty sure I was singing that same song." And then we sang together, and she took my guitar from me and wrapped her feeble hands around those thick acoustic steel strings and somehow managed to play clear as day - slowly at first, trying to remember the chords and positonings after years of disuse, but she picked it right back up.

We spent a lot of time talking biology whenever I'd come back from college. My dad would sit in the living room screaming with my mostly-deaf grandfather about football while my grandmother and I caught up regarding my school work. What did I learn since the last time I saw her? How was my semester going? Was chemistry still giving me trouble? (It gave her a lot of trouble, too, so that's okay.) Anything new in biology she probably hadn't heard of yet? And, each time I'd come home for Christmas and summer, how did my finals go?

This year I'm heading back home with two, possibly four to-be-finished. I couldn't study for my Mondays. I just couldn't.

Mom called me last Friday to tell me she had passed in her sleep. She had been in a lot of pain, and she was rather old, so it was a natural and rather merciful death. Still, I feel regret: all those times I didn't go over to their house (and Dad told me, "You know, they're not going to be around for forever...") our last conversation ("Ooops, sorry, buttdial. Love ya, bye.")... there's so much I could have done for her.

It's just so weird to think of how it's going to be when I go home on Saturday. We probably won't go to her house. I know I definitely won't head to her room and talk about biology with her. I won't bring her Spanish mackerel fillets - her favorite. I won't see her at all. She's gone. Instead of this intelligent, inspirational woman with a sparkle in her eye, there will be a jar of dust on the mantle in her stead. It's breaking my heart.

Add to that all of the unconscious effects of my grief and I've been a real mess. I haven't eaten much - well, nothing worth eating anyway - in a week. I haven't had the appetite. I think I've gotten a total of ten hours of sleep since last Friday, and none at all last night; I was wide awake from when the sun came up yesterday until it came up again today. I'm just not tired. I'm even starting to become scared of the shower because that's where the thoughts hit me the hardest and I cry the most. I know I need to take care of myself, but my self doesn't seem to want to be taken care of.

I have stuff to do, finals to take; I promised myself I'd take two today because I deferred the two that had been scheduled for Monday and I don't want to make FOUR up when I come back to school in a week or so.

But God, I am feeling wrecked right now. I don't know if I can do this.

Sorry for the vent, my psychologist told me that was probably the healthiest way to deal with this for now. I just don't want to burden my family or my also-taking-finals boyfriend and friends with it.