Its a subject I'm somewhat numb to, and I'm not sure that will ever change, I actually talk about it fairly openly. Which I find always ends up with people looking at me with concern, fear and confusion.

I remember the phone calls I couldn't take before she did it, me and my partner at the time were in a light argument, about Halloween costumes of all things. This partner that my mother said i'd marry, yet cheated on me not but a year and a half later. My mother called and told me that my older brother, (who wasn't close with myself and had a rocky past with my mum, but they were trying to bridge the gap) had just had a stilborn child.

Now the grief of that aswell as her many years of spiralling and mental illness sent her into a bit of a frenzy, she was reminded by the child an older sister I should have had. That died in her womb. She called me, and cried, and I.... said I had other stuff to handle right now. I usually always helped her. I was her carer for years. I didn't answer, I didn't listen. It was my fault.

​

My mother respected my wishes to talk later, and the next morning was her birthday. My phone had died at a halloween party me and my partner went to, and my phone died. I didn't really go to parties, and honestly. I genuinely enjoyed myself for once. Which felt wrong, because I missed 6 calls from my mum I didn't see till the next day. The party ended, the house was asleep and I heard rocks thrown at my window. My flatmate woke us up, and said a man was downstairs to see us.

My stepdad (who I see as my actual dad), was there stood in the centre of the kitchen. And just said to me. "I'm sorry ****, she's dead.". I was confused, and filled with sleepy confusion, and quick anger. As I thought he was lying or pulling some weird fucked up joke on me.

It suddenly dawned on me and I fell to my knees, unable to even cry. But frozen. I said to my partner and flatmate, I was heading out, and yeah.

Many other things happened. They "lost her body". which freaked me and my autistic sister out.
I didn't grieve properly, I was too focussed on my sister making it through the funeral.
When I did grieve, I was constantly in fights with my partner, who I loved. I focussed so much on appeasing her, and trying to fix things. I just never grieved. Or couldn't grieve.

Which is my fault. I guess. I wanted it to work.

​

Eventually that partner got tired of waiting for me to pull myself together. I remember hearing 11 months afterwards "you should be over this by now, you should be thinking of our future."

I'm not sure if she was wrong, or right.

Well she eventually cheated on me anyways, and is happy with the prick she cheated on me with.

And the funny thing is, the relationship after that, she left me for another guy aswell.

Clearly I've become broken. I feel or thought I'd got better, but I'm seeing it in relationships now. lack of trust, fear of abandonment. Hell my friends even gave up on me. I didn't think I was a bad person. I hope and still pray I'm not.

But clearly I'm broken.

​

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to blame her for all the wrongs that happened, I wanna shout at her for killing herself on her birthday, but without talking to me. EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIED.
I.. am to blame. And I feel like I'm being punished for it. Rightfully so I guess.

​

Its 5 years later, and all I wish. Is for it all to be a memory, or it all to fade away. Its so tiring. Its so so so tiring, seeing everyone successful and able to move forward happily. Seeing people be normal.

I miss her.

I miss all of it, she guided me and helped me despite everything. I'm so conflicted and confused, people tell me "she'd be happier now its over". People tell me its not my fault when I know it is. I could have stopped her.

​

What is the fucking point anymore.