Grandpa Joe woke with a start leaning against the side of the glass elevator. He hadn't realized he was so tired, but he hadn't had any of his "candy" since before they had entered the factory and the effects had long since worn off. Out of habit, he licked the yellow pointed nail on his pinky, but then silently cursed himself as he remembered he had left his stash at the house. But elation quickly coursed through him as he looked through out of the elevator and realized that they had landed back at the house. Perfect! He could grab a quick bump before heading back to the factory to settle in to his new life of luxury.

"Sorry about that," he said to Mr. Wonka and Charlie, who had been talking quietly outside, "but I'm an old man. I get tired easily."

"No worries, my good man," Willy replied. "Charlie and I were just talking about a few things. Weren't we, Charlie?"

Charlie nodded, but remained silent.

"So..." Joe said, "why did you bring us back here?"

"Oh?" Willy replied. "Don't you want to tell the rest of your family the good news?"

"Who? Oh... them." Joe looked at the house with a barely concealed scowl. "I guess we should get them so we can get back to the factory."

"Excellent," Willy said through a wide smile. "Why don't you go inside and get them?"

"Sure!" Joe beamed, thinking about running into the bathroom to do a big line. "I'll just let them know and... hey! What's going on? No one is here! Where did they all go?"

Willy and Charlie entered the house behind him, quietly closing the door. "Who?" Willy asked. "Your family? We've already moved them into the factory while you had your little... nap. They're settled in and quite comfortable."

Forgetting about his stash, Joe bristled with irritation. "Well why did you bother having me come inside then? We're wasting time. We could be at my... I mean our new home."

Willy's smiling eyes now turned cold. "I brought you inside because you're not coming with us. You're staying here."

"What are you talking about?" Joe barked. "Charlie and I are family. He'd never leave me behind, would you Charlie?"

Charlie looked down, unwilling to make eye contact. Willy laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure about this Charlie? You don't have to watch this, you know."

"No," Charlie said softly, "I have to see this through."

"What kind of nonsense is this?" Joe yelled. "Why have you turned my grandson against me?"

Reflexively, Willy's hands clenched into tight fists. "Turned him against you? No sir, you did that. You've been doing it since before Charlie was born, sitting in that bed for the last 20 years. Refusing to move a muscle to help the struggling family that supported your worthless wrinkled ass."

"But I'm old," Joe whined. "I've been sick!"

"Hmmm," Willy replied. "Enlighten me, please. Exactly what disease causes paralysis of the legs and is cured the instant someone they can sponge off of suddenly becomes wealthy? You went from no movement for decades to doing a song and dance the moment Charlie won. And did you even listen to yourself? You sang, 'I've got a golden ticket.' Not Charlie. Not even we. Just you. Thinking only of yourself as you always do. You are the single worst influence in Charlie's life."

"Well I was caught up in the excitement of the moment. That hardly makes me a bad influence. Name one other thing I've done."

"Oh?" Willy said incredulously. "Would you like a list? Alright. When Charlie's mom was afraid he might have stolen the bread, you didn't care one bit, so long as you got yours. Yes, you certainly have loose standards when it comes to stealing, don't you? I turn my back for one second and you're urging Charlie to steal Fizzy Lifting Drink. Forget about cleaning the lab. You could have killed him! You saw over and over what happens when everyone disregarded my warnings. But did you care? Not one bit! And when I called you out for your behavior, what did you do? Admit your responsibility and apologize? No! You called me a swindler! Finally, when you thought you had lost out on your precious prize, you urged Charlie to sell the Everlasting Gobstopper to the man you thought was my competitor. And please don't think that I'm so naive as to not notice your coke nails. Face it, Joe. You suck."

Joe shook his head defiantly. "Well what are you going to do about it? You can't stop me!"

A soft smile spread across Willy's face as he pulled his whistle from his jacket. "You're quite right. I won't stop you. They on the other hand..." Quickly he blew a series of notes and a group of Oompa Loompas emerged from the shadows. Swiftly, they seized his arms and forced him to his knees. One tore Joe's stinking shirt off of his back and began probing his spine with orange fingers. Nodding to himself, the Oompa pulled out a marker and drew a large X between Joe's shoulder blades.

Joe was near panic. "What... what are they going to do?"

"Well," Willy answered, "I know what they wanted to do. You see, Oompaland is such a horrible place that in Oompa culture, someone who looks like you represents the pinnacle of beauty. And Oompa Loompas are a... passionate people." Joe looked nervously to his side as the Oompa who held his arm winked and blew a kiss. "You know that picture of Einstein where he's sticking his tongue out? I accidentally left a magazine out that had that picture, and production was down for the entire quarter. So left to their own devices, they'd be delighted to run a train on you."

"What's that?" Charlie asked. "You mean like tying him to train tracks?"

"Umm..." Willy began, "we'll talk about that later. In any event, I decided on something more fitting. From what you witnessed with the other children, you must have realized I enjoy ironic punishment." He nodded to the Ooompa Loompas, who began to circle Joe.

"Oompa loompa doompity dit

Grandpa Joe, you’re a piece of shit

Oompa loompa doompity dead

We sure wish you’d get shot in the head

What kind of dick just lies on his ass

Being a leech as 20 years pass

Why can’t you work like Charlie’s mom does

I will tell you that it’s… be… cause

You’re a fucking asshole

Oompa loompa doompity dack

Now it’s time to get some payback

You will get what’s coming to you

You fucked your family, now Oompas fuck you

Oompas fuck you!"

With a swift motion, one of the Oompas delivered a brutal kick to the spot on Joe's back marked with the X. There was a sickening snap and Joe collapsed.

"Oh God!" He screamed. "My arms! My legs! I can't move them! I can't even feel them! What have you done to me?"

The Oompas gently picked Joe up and tucked him into the bed that he had inhabited for so long. "All I've done," Willy began, "is given you exactly what you've wanted for so long. You didn't want to get out that bed. Fine. Now you can't. Ever."

Joe moaned like the little bitch that he was. "You can't just leave me here... I'll starve!"

"No need to worry about that," Willy grinned. "You see the I.V. line that we just put in your arm? It's hooked up to a bag with a mix of saline and a variation on an Everlasting Gobstopper. It'll keep you fed long past the time the rest of us are gone. Of course, there is one small side effect."

"What now?" Joe cried. "Swelling like a fruit? Shrinking until I'm tiny? Turning into a giant piece of candy?"

Willy shook his head. "Explosive diarrhea. And I mean bad. You may want to plug your nose in here after a while. Oh wait," he said looking and Joe's withered arm. "That's right... you can't. Oh well, good luck with that. Come on Charlie," he said as he walked out the door, "let's go back to the factory. Your mom and the others are waiting."

"Charlie," Joe sobbed, "for God's sake... please! You can't leave me like this! I'm your grandfather!"

A single tear slid down Charlie's cheek. Slowly, he wiped it away and placed his hand on the doorknob. "My grandfather... died 20 years ago."

The door creaked loudly as it swung shut.

EPILOGUE

Back in the elevator, Willy consoled Charlie. "I know that was hard," he said softly, "but you know it had to be done."

Charlie nodded sadly.

"Look, we'll go back to the factory and you can be with your family. Your real family and everything will be better. I swear to you, OK? Now if you just give me one minute, I need to give the Oompa Loompas some instructions, and then we'll be off." He hugged Charlie tightly. "I'll be right back."

Outside, he spoke to the head Oompa. "Now make sure you gather all of their belongings to bring back. We don't want to come back here ever again, all right?"

The Oompa nodded, and made a sad sighing sound.

"What's wrong?" Willy asked. "Everything has worked out, and it's going to be great from now on. What is there possibly to be sad about?"

The Oompas looked back at the house, with the look of unrequited longing etched on their faces.

"Oh for crying out... really?" Willy looked back at the elevator to make sure Charlie wasn't looking, and lowered his voice. "All right. Fine. But just for tonight, do you understand? Be back at the factory before morning. We have a lot of work to get caught up on."

The Oompas leapt for joy and sprinted back to the house, pushing each other out of the way in their efforts to get inside. Willy shook his head and went back to the elevator. "OK Charlie," he said as he pressed the launch button, "let's go home." For once, Willy was glad that the elevator was so loud. The sound of its engines was almost loud enough to drown out Joe's screams.

Almost.