I feel like I should have looked at your text closer before I came.

It seemed like a cool idea. You said you had picked up your girlfriend at IKEA, along with some other things. You invited me over to help you assemble stuff.

You know how I love putting stuff together. It’s the tomboy in me. I didn’t even stop to think that you’d never mentioned a girlfriend before. But it seemed like a good time to meet her as we built some furniture.

But I misunderstood you. Or rather, you weren’t really clear.

And in my defense, when the hell did IKEA start selling android girlfriends?

I’m not sure how I’m feeling about putting together some fembot. Especially one that’s going to be your girlfriend. It just seems like a lot of bad ideas strung together there.

You know, if it weren’t for the meatballs, I’d probably have left already.

It’s not that I don’t want to help you. You’re my best friend. You could use a girlfriend. And, of course, there’s the meatballs I mentioned earlier. The Swedish do furniture and meatballs so well… I suppose they’re going to be pretty good at girlfriends. Even android ones. I kind of have a morbid curiosity about how this is going to work out.

So, we’ve got all the parts laid out. This is going to be a bit more complex than a coffee table or end table though. Just look at all of these instructions.

You know what though? Girls aren’t really as complicated as this. You just treat us right, and don’t cheat on us. Put the toilet seat down. And kill spiders for us. Or at least humanely escort them from the premises. That’s your instruction book right there.

I feel like you didn’t really try hard enough before going the android route. Like, maybe you didn’t exhaust all of your possibilities for an actual flesh and blood girl first.

I know you’ve been turned down by a few girls. But you have a bad habit for falling for ones that are already taken, or aren’t looking. Or are looking for girls themselves. But I know there’s one place you didn’t look.

Me.

Full Script Here

This was originally intended to more heavily focus on the tomboy aspects, but mainly it's just a woman who enjoys building things, her best friend, and meatballs. The tomboy parts could be stripped out (I think it's literally one line) or more stuff could be added in. Really, if someone wants to record this, make whatever changes you want please.

I've never actually been in an IKEA, or had their meatballs, and feel like I'm kind of missing out. But they're such a part of our world today that I feel like I kind of know them.

For what it's worth, I dashed this out last night after staring blankly at some other scripts I wanted to make progress on. But this idea suddenly popped into my head, and so I ran with it. And I think it seems okay enough, and it's shorter than most of my stuff, which is a plus. And I had find dropping a few pop-culture references into the script, and I'll take credit after the fact for any other accidental ones in there as well.