What can I say? After DRIHT LAW, and listening to /u/dizzySpeakeasy and her great Reading :-))), Kateralziban crept back into my head. So here's a Kat-scribble. I hope it amuses, and maybe even arouses a little. But that's for the reader to say, not this poor scribbler (blush).
So over to y'all - here's SWEET AND SALTY.
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SWEET AND SALTY
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Oh, hey. You mind if I sit here? I think about fifty guys grabbed my ass between the bar and this table. Fuck ‘em. Eeew. Or rather, not. Like, I’m not fucking fucking any of them. So I’d kind of prefer not to sit on my own, you know?
Thanks – you’re a doll.
Fuck, it’s busy in here tonight. Oh, fuck. I guess I shouldn’t say fuck. Sorry. My boss, he tells me my mouth will get me into fucking trouble – if I’m lucky, anyway. Of course, he’s just a horny bastard. Well, he’s horny for sure. The bastard bit? Well, that’s kind of a grey area, I guess. I told him, I said it’s not what my mouth gets me into, it’s what gets into my fucking mouth. And that he should fucking know, right?
Fuck. I don’t know what that barman put in this glass, but it ain’t no liquor. And girl, when it comes to lickers, I know my shit. I remember this time with… but hell no. That’s work. Who fucking cares.
So anyway – where was I? Oh, right. Work. What a damned fucking day I’ve had. Well, day. Felt like a hundred fucking years. Or a hundred years fu… oh, fuck. There I go again. I never know when to stop. Not that I ever fucking stop. Not that anyone’s ever, like, wanted me to anyway, you know?
Well, like I said. My boss? The horny bastard? Well, he calls me into his office. Tells me he’s been getting really bad reports on me. Oh, it’s OK. When I say bad, I guess it’s more Michael J than ‘here’s your ass, try not to drop it on your way out’. Not that anyone’s ever dropped my ass, honey – not anyone who ever got their hands on it, anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I’m in his office, and he’s telling me, like, how he’s been getting all these real bad fucking reports on me, but like I say, Michael J kind of bad, because nobody ever said my fucking was… anyway, he says how he figures it’s time I moved downstairs. So I say, like, Under-seer? Because, like, I already had all the under I wanted, and the over and the sideways and the whatever-you-fucking-want-just-do-the-fucking-deal, and if it was all the same to him – but he said it wasn’t. All the same to him, I mean. And how I should fucking shut up and fucking listen, because I was going downstairs, and I was going to fucking like it. So, well, like I said, he’s a horny fucking bastard. So I figure I know what he means, and I go down on my knees and… and he tells me to get the fuck up, because that’s not what he meant. Not this time, anyway. And he tells me what he does fucking mean. And I say, like, what about the Union thing? Because there was that time with, like, Markie A and Cleo, and I nearly got into a whole load of shit with the Union, because I didn’t know… and he says that was then, and this is, like, now, and now I was going to get to do things different. Like, a whole new set of contracts to make happen. And I said, but, like, isn’t that Jen’s side of town? Because Jen, she’s my friend, she does those deals, and she’s got, like, a Union dispensation thing. And he tells me how, like, it’s a growth fucking business. And Jen’s working her butt off, and her tits and cunt too, and now I get to walk down both sides of town, which, he says, is fine for a girl with legs as wide open as mine.
He really is a bastard. Well, maybe he is. Fuck knows, really.
So anyway, I think, what the fuck? Which is kind of, like, for real, since I hadn’t made those kind of deals since… well, since before the boss hired me. And they weren’t deals then. And if they were, I just fucked them up, like I fucked pretty much everything up back then. So I figure, what the fuck and I tell the horny bastard, sure. Even if I am going to need a whole new game book for deals. Like, with guys it’s easy. Blonde or brunette? 36, 24, 36 or 42, 24, 36? Fuck, that one’s always fun. I’m like – tell me what you want? Like, bigger, smaller. Bigger, smaller. See that? Heh. Their faces are, like – well, yeah. Pretty much like yours is. I mean, hells girl, that’s, like, for guys. Not that I can’t for you too, but, like, girls are more… well, more. Like, you know sweet and salty? Like those snacks they have on the bar, to make you thirsty so you want to drink more? I can do that too. Like, we work up a sweat to die for – not, like, that you, like die. Well, not yet, anyway. I mean, sure, there’s a contract and all, but that’s… well, anyway. I’m getting ahead of myself. Like, maybe that’s partly how we work up a sweat, yeah? Like, me getting ahead of your self. All sorts of bits of your self. Like, you choose! Anything you want!
Well, anyway. Like, we work up that sweat I was talking about. Then you, like, open your mouth, and I, like, I drop in a, well a drop of – call it honey, honey. It ain’t really, but it’s… No! Fuck, no! I don’t do no stinking drugs, and neither do my – well, it isn’t! No, it’s fucking am-fucking-brosia, if you really want to know! Like, there’s these doves, and, like, they take it to the gods and – look. That’s, like, trade stuff. Don’t worry about it.
So, like, I put this drop of not-really-honey-but-not-drugs on your tongue. Then I start. Like I said, when it comes to licking, there’s none like me. All that sweat on you? I lick it up. Like, I run my tongue over your throat. Then your breasts – and trust me, honey, I’m not going to miss an inch. And I lick your tits, and I lick your nipples. Are they hard, honey? Can you feel me licking them? Like, I lick them, and, like, I’m not sucking, because, like, we already did that. I’m licking, and it’s like the ghost of a breeze you had on your cheek last summer, and you’re remembering it, I’m that gentle. And I lick, and I drift down over your stomach, and I lick, and I’m licking up all that sweat, and you feel my tongue slip into your navel, and you feel like someone just sent a bolt of silver lightning through your clit – and I lick, and I lick. Then I slide up your body, because you’re all wet from our sweat and my licking, and I kiss you, and my tongue slides into your mouth, and it’s covered in your sweat and your salt – and the salt hits that ambrosia on your tongue – and it fucking explodes! Like, trust me, honey! Like, fuck, yeah! I mean, not bang-bang you’re dead, but, like, the biggest fucking orgasm you’ve ever had! And it feels like it lasts for a hundred fucking years! That’s how come they say ambrosia makes you live forever. It really doesn’t, but fuck, it makes it feel like it! And it’s all good, honey. The best. Take it from me. And girl, you’re going to. You’re going to take it from me all fucking night, and I’m going to take it from you. And all it’s going to cost is….
Cops? You’re going to call the fucking cops? Honey, you’d be better off calling the Bishop. Not that I couldn’t tell you stories about… but fuck that. Look, I’ve had a lousy fucking hundred years, and that’s just today. You drew the pentacle on that beer mat in front of you. Hells, you even got the Sigil of Baphomet the right way up! So here I am. Your very own Succubus from Hell, here to bring you all the carnal delights of…
What do you mean, what beer mat?
I mean the fucking beer mat in front of you. The one you drew the fucking pentacle….
Oh.
Shit.
I got the wrong fucking table, didn’t I?
Fuck.
OK. Like, don’t worry about it. Like, even if you tell anyone, like, they won’t believe you. Like, nobody else can see me, anyway. Well, apart from the guys who grabbed my ass, but that's guys for you. Oh, and that guy at the bar who gave me his number. Look, here. Maybe you can use it. I’m not on that side of the street toni…
Fuck. What now? Why are you crying? What do you mean, it’s your boyfriend’s number?
Oh.
Oh fuck.
Look, I got to be going. But, like, I’ll owe you. Like, a freebie. And it won’t even cost you your soul. So call me. Like, 666-fuckmenow. Later, honey!
Hey! Hey, you! You with the beer mat! You mind if I sit… oh, what the fuck. Your place or mine? And it better be yours, unless you like your fucking on the crispy side!