So recently I told someone I'd do an M4M. And I have an idea for it, and I was working on it. I was, honestly! But something was nagging at me, and it sort of started itching and it sort of got in the way (blush).
There's a sort of link here to a couple of other pieces. But I won't say which ones :-). As usual, I have no idea if it's erotica - that's for the reader. But I'll hope it's sort of fun...
So here it is. PROBLEM PAGE. Over to y'all...
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PROBLEM PAGE
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Dear Problem Paige
First of all, I gotta tell ya, that’s one heck of a name you got there. For what you do, I mean. But, like, I never thought I’d ever be writing in to some dumb-ass newspaper broad to sort my, for want of a better word, life out. I mean, no offence, but I’ve seen some of the shit advice you give out. Like, how come it’s always the fault of the sap writing in, and always their job to fix it? Like that chick last week! Her punk old man keeps whuppin’ on her, and hell, I’m the last to say that’s the end of the world, but you tell her how she should either, like, get him to couples therapy, or maybe find some shelter? Fuck that, lady. She should have found her some 357 therapy, and put it in his fat head. I could have helped, even!
But anyway. That’s your business, right? Fucking people’s lives up? I guess it’s a bit like mine. So here I am, and I’m writing to your dumb page.
See, I’m a horny kind of guy. And don’t get me wrong – this ain’t about how I never get any, and how I’m all alone and nobody loves me, and you get to tell me to buy a new shirt, and maybe shower more often. No, lady. I get mine, and I get plenty. And when the ladies, heh, or the guys too, come round to play, they’re, like, screaming for my dick before I’m done. Well, sort of. But that’s not it. ‘Cos dick’s fine, but like one of my girls, Kat’s her name, says – sometimes it’s good to get ahead of myself. Or, like, of someone anyway. And she knows, Kat does. Her fucking mouth’s got her more deals than you’d believe. Of course, it gets her into fucking trouble as well. Why, only the other night, she had this John on the line, not, you understand, that his name was John, and her mouth sort of got in the way of things, and, like… but that’s another story. So let’s keep your head on me. And boy, I’d like to get your head on me. I bet you suck, lady. Heh. That’s a joke. Like when people say something’s real bad, but they mean it’s real good. So when I say you suck, I mean I bet you really suck. You get it? Oh, never mind.
So anyway, that’s kind of it. Like, my problem I mean. ‘Cos I like to get me some pussy on my tongue – hell, cock too. Ain’t no way to swing I ain’t swung. But every time I get down to it, it all gets fucked up, just because I’m so fucking horny. Like the other night. There was this new chick, see. And we got talking, and, well, you know how it is. Everybody wants something, right? And there’s nothing wrong with that, right? So she wants something, and mostly it’s her old man in every kind of fucked up hell. See, this guy, he keeps whuppin’ on her, and she’s all kinds of screw this. She tells me how she wrote to some dumb broad in a newspaper for advice. That advice, it kinda didn’t work out, and when she told her old man they were going to couples therapy, he broke her arm. Fucking twice. Which would have been fine by me, but she gave me a call. Got my direct fucking line and, like, everything. And she says she’s heard I can help with situations like hers, so what’s the deal? And I like me a deal, I do. So I tell her how it’s all going to be OK, and her old man’s going to be needing a new throat to scream with before my boys, well and maybe girls too, are done. And I tell her how, since I’m feeling generous, she don’t even have to pay right away. And she gets this smile on her face, and she starts rubbing her tit with one hand, and her other hand, it’s like, pulling her skirt up, and it’s going under her skirt, and it’s playing with her cunt. And she’s smilin’ this smile, and her hand’s inside her fucking shirt, and she’s twisting on her nipple, and pulling it. And she pulls her tit out of her shirt, and her hand’s still in her cunt, and she’s playing with her nipple, and she says, like, is there anything she’s got that might buy her a little extra to the deal? And my dick’s telling me there sure as fuck is, and she’s lookin’ at it like she hasn’t seen one like it in a while, and I’m betting’ she hasn’t, ‘cos I’m kinda special that way too.
So I say maybe there’s somethin’ we can talk about, and she says that sounds pretty damn hot, and she’s on her knees, and my dick’s in her fucking mouth, and that girl’s on fire! She’s sucking, and she’s screamin’ at me to shove it in her, and I’m fucking her mouth like there’s no tomorrow, which is the best way there is. And she tells me she’d love my tongue in her cunt, and I say hell yeah, and she lies back on her heels, and her knees are wide open, and she’s fucking begging me to lick her all the way there and all the way back! And I tell her when I lick a cunt, I go all the fucking way, and there ain’t never no coming back for more, just lots of coming. And she says hell yeah, and what the fuck am I waiting for? So I pull my dick out her hot little mouth, and I get down between her legs, and I go for it – and it happens a-fucking-gain! ‘Cos like I said, I’m such a horny fucking guy! And I. Just. Can’t. Fucking. Do it!
So that’s how it is, Miss Paige. That’s my horny fucking problem. And if you solve it, maybe I forget about the other part of the deal the chick made. The part with your name on it. But if you come up with any shit about how it’s my fault, and how all I have to do to fix it is to stop being so fucking horny – well. You’re gonna think the chick’s old man had it easy. And I was gonna give you my cell number, so you could call me and we could talk about how much fun I’ve had with all the shit advice you’ve given people so you could make a buck. I even added it to your speed dial – 666-NickyBabes. But I just saw tonight’s schedule, and it looks like we ain’t gonna have to worry about that.
Oh – and don’t worry about that pain in your chest. That’s just your cab ride ringin’ your bell. So come on down, honey! Come on down!