Moar Tags: [listener orgasms] [speaker fakes an orgasm, and then makes fun of the goblin] [comedic tone] [haughty, domineering mage]

Summary:

Beneath the capital’s streets, there is a world of crime. Assassins for hire. Thugs on every sewer corner. Illegal gnome pit fights. Yet, tucked away in one little corner of the underworld is a magic shop. A magic shop staffed by you, Gibblin the Goblin.

A shop where the royal archmage is a frequent customer. She’s hot, she’s smart, and she’s all kinds of bitchy. Today’s the day when you put aside your goblin harem daydreams and get down to the business of scoring with the archmage.

Sure, she might not be a bikini-armor clad barbarian babe from the Titty-Fuck Wastes, but she’s also real. Compromises will have to be made.

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From the Goblin:

“A clever goblin always has an entry strategy. No, not an exit strategy, an entry strategy! You know, a plan on how you’re going to get your green sausage crammed into someplace warm before the night is through!

My most devious gambit was to pose as a travelling potion salesman. I would roll up to a village with a rickety cart and announce that I was open for business. ‘Hear ye, hear ye! This humble goblin, well, he’s ready to sell you a one-of-a-kind tonic, which will give you lush hair and a bountiful bosom! All you have to do is touch the scepter inside the barrel until your potion issues forth! No bottle? Just open your gob and drink up!’

Now, this is obviously a stupid plan. Five minutes in, I was confronted with the local Tyrran cleric. ‘You want to seduce people with your scheme,’ she said, crossing her arms and spitting in disgust. ‘Aye, lass, it’s true,’ I says, ‘the whole plan is a farce. I just. . .it’s hard to say, but I just wanted to get arrested by you is all. I knew that if I was bad, YOU would come, and that makes me a happy goblin.’

She didn’t bite that time. So, I carried on, paying my fines and returning as soon as I was freed. Eventually, she became so frustrated that she agreed to sit on my face (trousers on, of course: she was classy) while I rubbed one out.

Pretty good scheme, eh? WRONG, you fool! That was all just a ploy to get inside the jail time and again, where the famous beauty ‘Ellenae the Oddly Shaped’ was being held. We fucked like rabbits every night I was locked up, that funnily-formed elf and I. What was her shape? Well, besides having big ol’ titties (a sign of ugliness among her kind, you understand) she also had a tentacle for an arm. You ever had your intestines flossed by a cute elf with self-image issues? Let me tell you, it’s about as good as it gets.

Ol’ odd-bod had a pretty singin’ voice too, but this Goblin can only tolerate so many jailhouse ballads before he starts to want out.

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Work is busy, but to round off the week here is a little script for you. I assume the Goblin wrote it because he does, in fact, like stories where goblins win. *Shrugs* If only he saw what happened this week: turns out wretched fucking goblins do win in real life, funnily enough.

Whatever. Here's a tale where a goblin gets to fuck a hot wizard-lady; have a great weekend!