More Tags: [listener is a handsome elven sex worker] [Dwarves do not appear, and this script is lesser for it]

Summary:

Hot on the heels of “Barbarian in the Brothel” comes “Paladin in the Brothel!” We’ve got cocks, holes, hardworking elf lads and a holy knight who wants to take a load off! What more could you possibly want?

Look, our speaker is a paladin who wants to try having some fun for once in her life. She’s dorky, pious and pretty much a wet noodle in matters of love. Surely, you can help a sister out, can’t you?

(Especially for coin. You can help anyone out for coin)

From the Goblin:

Once, I laid with a paladin much like the lass in our story. Fair she was, and muscled like a veritable goddess of war. Of course, I had drunk a transmutation tonic beforehand, so I appeared to her not as a handsome goblin, but as an invariably less handsome half-elven man of twenty summers. She talked with me for hours on end, and when the moon was high in the night sky she asked to make love to me.

Being a gentleman, I obliged. She laid me down on a soft blanket and smiled, positioning herself against my bunghole. “Are you ready?” she whispered, and with a very convincing nervous nod (I was, of course, trying me best to seem demure and proper) I bit my lip and waited. “Then let me throw wide the gates of love,” she said, pushing in to me after her little poetic flourish was done.

Two thrusts later, she went cross-eyed and busted inside this goblin booty. I wanted to laugh, but remembering who I was supposed to be, I just smiled. “Incredible, I know,” she said, leaning in to whisper something in my ear. “I shall care for our child as best as I can, I promise,” she said, joy etched on her face.

Problem is, she said it with such conviction that I grew afraid. I mean, obviously I wasn’t going to get pregnant from having my bunghole stuffed. . .right?

When we parted, I went back to my cave in a panic. Was I ready to be a father? How would I tell her that I was a goblin? Was this to be a turning point for me, the dawning of new responsibilities and perhaps a fulfilling character arc?

My stomach rumbled, and I grew very silent. So soon? Was my child coming so soon? I rushed to the corner of the cave and squatted, awaiting my offspring’s arrival.

Turns out it was just a combination of two things: the potion wearing off and an especially powerful poop born of eating too many pickles. I have never been so happy to poop, let me tell you.

That paladin still sends me little coinpurses regularly, and writes about wanting to meet her child one day. I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Currently she believes her son just got into magical college in Waterdeep, and hopes to follow in the footsteps of his mother and become an adventurer on the side of good. She regularly asks if he has found “that special someone,” and promises we will all be a family one day, when she has slain the last evil in the world and can finally rest.

I don’t know what is dumber: that she thinks anal sex with a man can lead to pregnancy, or that I was genuinely worried about that for a moment there. Either way, there’s plenty of evil out there still, so I think I’m in the clear. I don’t even have that poop anymore. I think.

After the previous brothel gloryhole script got filled (featuring the talented u/Syvis_Elnir here!), the goblin began working on a sequel. Look, it’s been like, a week or two since he pushed out a paladin script, so the time is nigh for another! You're a very busy elven sex worker, it seems.