2nd update: it looks like the second half of my post was lost with the little update I did. My apologies for that.

Update edit: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded for all your love and great suggestions. I reached out to them both and there's been some forward progress.

I don't understand the reasoning yet, but Persephone has pulled out of the godspousal. It will take some time for me to figure this out. Hades wants to remain though, and for that I am grateful.

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CW: mentions death, religious trauma, spiritual SA, and potential mental illnessTL;DR: My friend - who I looked up to spiritually - told me that my godspouse violated them (after telling me that we were meant to be 'sister brides' to this god). They then used private details of my life and their channeling abilities to tell me I wasn't worthy of being a godspouse. The drama of this all has hit me hard (past religious trauma) and I am struggling to recover and reconnect because I don't know what to believe and don't feel worthy of pursuing this path.

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Before I get into this, I just want to say that I am so grateful this group exists. I know it's not necessarily super active, but just having a place to post this where I won't be looked at like I've lost my mind means so much to me. ❤️

This is just going to be a bit of a vent of a situation I've been dealing with since February/March. It's going to be a long post due to the amount of context I'm giving, so apologies for that ahead of time. There are sooooooo many details in this as well - so I also apologize if this rambling doesn't make much sense. I just need this out somewhere where people might understand. If this violates any community guidelines, Mods please delete this - it is not my intention to break any rules here. I will likely delete this post myself after posting, as I just need a place to write all of this down. Half of this rambling probably won't make sense anyway.

I started my spiritual journey back in 2019 after moving away from home for the first time (I come from a very Mormon family - I'll leave it at that). Witchcraft, paganism, and topics related to that have always been interesting to me, so I took advantage of being on my own and started to delve into it. I started getting into divination at first and discovered I have a real talent with a pendulum (I promise that this is relevant to the story later on). The ease of using a pendulum kinda freaked me out to begin with though, as it seemed like I was talking with entities right away and I just wasn't ready for it. So I focused on learning some other stuff and searching for people to connect with. I came across a tarot reader that I really liked and after purchasing a couple of readings from them I started to actively follow their content.

Since 2019 we've become really good friends. They encouraged me to pursue my spiritual practice and eventually helped me to become comfortable with my pendulum abilities. We shared details of our personal spiritual practices and eventually our private lives. I was there as they developed their channeling abilities and for so many other milestones

During this time my personal practice has evolved to worshipping Hades and Persephone (with an emphasis on Hades, my relationship with him was strongest first). Due to past life experience/trauma, death has become a huge part of my life and I've actively worked toward becoming more death positive and embracing death as a natural part of life. To do that, I decided to actively worship and eventually work with death-related gods. I was most familiar with Greek mythology, so I started a worship of Hades. Through consistent worship and encouragement from my friend, I started to use my pendulum to talk with him.

I set aside time to chat with him every day and the relationship grew organically. I have a lot of religious trauma from my childhood and had rejected the Abrahamic god after the death of someone extremely close to me in college. I was doubtful about paganism and about my belief in gods and just spirituality in general. I'm a scientist as well - so add in all of the things that science tells me about life and I just wasn't sure if I would believe it. However, I have never felt the connection or response from the Abrahamic god as I did with Hades. I could feel that he was there with me, I could feel his care for me. He was kind, and patient, and always had my best interest in mind first. I've never felt that way before and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was being listened to, that my prayers were not just lost to the air.

I remember the first time I came across the term "godspouse". After doing some research into it. my immediate thought was "that's what I want with Hades". Of course, I was immediately ashamed of that thought (because who was I to want the love of a god, especially one that I had only been worshipping for a few months?). I decided that I would ask Hades about it generally, if he had godspouses, his thoughts on it, etc. I was not planning to ask him about us (again, didn't feel worthy of it). But in his straightforward manner - Hades asked me about my thoughts on it. And I was truthful - I told him that the idea appealed to me but that I didn't feel worthy enough to be one yet; I wanted to do more studying to know him and feel like I was familiar with his mythology. And in being completely honest, I was also afraid of the commitment (I do not have a great dating track record & that death in college really wrecked me - happy to provide more context on this if people ask, but won't go into it here). It wasn't that I was afraid of committing to him, but rather that I would once again be abandoned/have the relationship taken from me by forces outside my control. I know that it seems silly to be worried about these things with gods - trust me, I can laugh at it too. But the fear was real and is still paralyzing at times.