Now I suppose context is in order, I'm a guy who has given up on the search so to speak but that is the end of the story.

The beginning isn't to far away now I'm 21 now but the events in the past have snuffed out the light of hope I once had of finding a woman I'd love so much that I'd marry and have kids with and I suppose having that expectation from a young age someone blunted my senses because the first "girlfriend " I had was for like a week maybe probably less than a week finding out the only reason she had asked me out ( yes I'm that cowardly) was because her other 2 friends or one I never really found out was because she was dared to, literally shattered any self confidence I had left and this was just the first of three regrets in my life I wished never happened, now that I'm older I realized I didn't actually want a super typical high schooler relationship I wanted to fit in with my older friends who started really looking at girls.

The second regret, was probably the worst one yet and I'll be honest I'm about to say some things that might trigger or offend some people but I don't really care this isn't for you it's for me even though I don't think it will actually help at all anyways, turns out regret number one had actually kind and genuine people around her I don't wanna call her the second regret because she doesn't deserve such a title I'll call her M4 for the time being m4 and I had met through a respective friend who I'll call player 1 now player1 and m4 did message roleplay that more than likely got me into writing short stories and book attempts and no it was nothing sexual ever it was more like story building but instead of just writing you acted like your character/s and eventually I ended up texting m4 one on one and I asked her out this time and it went beautifully she was gorgeous and sweet she made me feel like nothing else mattered and then I tried to show her off at school and then everyone I thought were my friends turned into a bunch of bullies and started making fun of her rather than starting a fight or something like that which I wish had happened I decided that if I should end things because my "friends" didn't like her and that's the thing right your friends before your lovers? If I could I'd pimp slap my younger self and tell him to be a man and defend what you care about, but unfortunately that whole thing would eventually be my second regret oh and here's the spicy part, now opinions aside M4 later became trans female to male right, how am I not gonna blame myself I feel like it's all my fault because I didn't do what I should have done and just attacked those jerks who dared to mock someone I liked.

And regret number 3 who actually had the same name as number 1 and was best friends with number 1 , I had 3 real friends who were older than me I looked up to them like older brothers and they saw that I was looking at number 3 and encouraged me to ask her out after much encouragement I eventually did ask her out... In front of number 1 and worst of all M4 who I should have just asked to talk to apologize and explain things to no, I asked out number 3 in front of everyone and she said yes and then we went on 2 boring ass dates were I found out she really wasn't my type and then she dump me which was a shock and kinda hurt but I shed only a single tear then laughed it off with my mom,

And after all that from 16 to 17 then 18 , 19 , 20 and now 21 I have completely given up hope of finding even a girlfriend because I am constantly reminded or reminding myself of my past actions and the wrongs I've committed I've spent 6 years hoping, praying, "accidentally" giving away free food at work or giving out some of the chocolates from my work in a vain attempt to get them to come up to me ask me why and break the ice for me because like I said earlier I'm a coward who is to shy to talk to girls congrats if you made it to the end of my Ted talk 🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊 comment below if you want I guess I'm convinced I'm gonna die alone so I'll respond to questions about my horribly bleak perspective. I'm very lonely I will also share a secret reason I posted this to anyone who comments the word Panzerkampfwagon