So I have autism and ADHD which affects certain executive functioning skills. I have slower processing speed than others, so it takes me longer to process complex information than others. I also have a smaller working memory, so it takes me longer to perform certain tasks if they involve holding lots of information in my head. Not impossible, but it's an added layer of difficulty that most folks don't seem to struggle with.

Sometimes, my functioning is better than others. For example:

I spent 3-4 years working on a degree with an unusually high amount of executive functioning. At one point in 2019, I was working 50-60 hours a week across classes, research, internship, homework - not including the time I spent helping my wife plan our wedding. This was an exhausting period of my life and mostly a blur. It was sort of like I was just "going thru the motions" and I was completely dissociated from what I was actually doing.

Towards the end of my degree program, I found it harder and harder to "make sense" of the various programming projects I needed to complete for school. I did just enough to get by, but it was exhausting. I have spent a large portion of my life being extremely logical, but it's like something in my brain flipped and it made my brain hurt to try and follow the logic of code. It's like things started to seem more complex or my brain just got foggier.

I don't know if it's due to burn out, depression or my autism/ADHD. But I hardly recognize the woman I used to be several years ago. I was just laid off from my software engineering in October due to covid, and the thought of going through the interview process and eventually being assigned work sounds so completely painful to me that I'm filled with dread.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just in the wrong field - that I need to find something I'm more passionate about. I've always wanted to run my own business, but despite having several business ideas that involve creating content, I face the same issues: trying to break it down into tasks feels mentally painful, confusing, like an infinite series of neverending work that will never get done. It's all very overwhelming.

Either way, I'm so tired of hearing people brush me off as "yeah, everyone feels that way right now" because it was happening before the pandemic started. Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter where it comes from, but I'd like to figure out how to fix it because I feel like I can't do the things I used to enjoy without *really* pushing myself. Even when I do, it feels like it takes a lot of energy to keep the effort going.