This was a difficult thing to admit. I was lost for a long time until I discovered this little subculture, and immediately clung to the identity of the 'sub' for dear life because I finally had something to identify and explain myself with. But after talking and... doing more than talking with some dominant women online, I started to realize that I wasn't actually giving them what they wanted and had no real desire to irl either. I get anxious about giving up control, I like being told what to do but only in certain contexts, and I often felt like a rather bad sub for disappointing people who were expecting more actual submission of me.

Until I started to consider that, maybe I'm actually not a sub. My desires are definitely to be under a woman's control, but when I think about the most accurate way to describe my ideal relationship, it's to be like a gay bottom... for a woman?

I'm just curious if anyone else feels the same way because I kinda feel like I'm back to where I was before finding femdom. With a weirdly specific lifestyle kink that I can't really explain, and that's not going to be very easy to find a symmetrical partner for.