tearfully holds up Silver Award

I'd like to thank you redditors for bestowing this award upon me - especially the one who really, really liked this post. I also want to thank my -

awards music plays

- um, okay, never mind.

[but seriously, thank you! :)]

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This post is for the guys who are seeking a non-transactional relationship. I posted it to r/BDSMcommunity earlier this year, but think some new people here may find it interesting.

If you think talking about findoms and scammers in anything but a positive light is kink-shaming, this post will likely upset you, so...

(guys, say it with me!)

This post is not for you

I recommend you pass it by

This post is not for you

You can post an angry comment but

This post is not for you

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming :)

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Shoutout to u/scorpihoexx for giving me the idea to write this. I didn't want to derail her post!

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Dear subs/slaves/switches,

Hi.

Thanks for reading.

I'm just one female dominant; although I sometimes say "us" or "we" in this letter/rant, I really mean me. I can (and do) only speak for myself and not the community as a whole. I'm writing this from the viewpoint of a lifestyle dominant seeking a relationship. I'm not a findom. I'm not a pro. I'm not a Lifestyle Dominant: Tribute Edition.

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Some of you are awesome friends and people in general, and I really appreciate that. This letter/rant is mostly to help the more clueless members of your cohort :)

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Profiles

Fill yours out

We have to know what you're looking for, and if we can't tell, we're not going to guess or write you to find out. Streamline the process and complete your profile. Clearly state what you want. Be specific. One night stand? Long-term relationship? Online domination? Financial domination? Professional domination? Start there. Avoid writing fantasies in your profile body or ads. Make them a separate writing. They only serve to attract findoms, pros, and scammers. Talk about your life and what you love. What makes you a great choice? What doesn't make you a great choice? Give us the chance to see you.

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Reading them is not optional

Read them. Read them in their entirety. It's very obvious when you don't, and it's also obvious when you've read it but don't remember everything. There's often a lot to read, and we get that. The length of our profiles and ads are inversely proportional to the amount of bad messages we get. We write more because you read less. We emphasize things because you're ignoring them. It doesn't really help cut down on the messages, but it makes it easier to refer you to specific parts. There's not much else we can do. We can quickly tell when you've made the effort, though.

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Requirements are not optional

Please respect our hard limits. Don't ignore requirements, and don't lie about them. I'm honest and expect the same in return. If you have something major going on in your life, disclose it. I find it especially interesting when a lie is told, and some time later subs "have a confession to make." Based on my personal experiences, there are two types:

1. Those who believe that admission is better than discovery ("Oh noooo, I just realized I told her I'm not into kinky food stuff, but I wrote yesterday in the PB&Kink forum how much I love double fisting large tubs of peanut butter - better say something now before she sees it!")
2. Those who hope that I won't think the deception is such a big deal after I've gotten to know them a bit ("I said I was 36, but I'm really 55 - I guess I'll mention it when I send the photo, but it shouldn't matter now that she sees we're so compatible!")

Either way, the outcome is the same: If they're willing to lie about this, they're likely just as willing to lie about other things...so I'm left to wonder what else is there? Just be honest from the start, and if that means we're not a fit, that's cool.

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First Contact

Introduction

I'm not your goddess, queen, mistress, or ma'am, and you're not my worthless thing, worm, sissy, slut, whore, or paypig. We're not each other's anything. I don't even know you, dude. I haven't consented to this. We're both people. I will approach you with basic respect and expect you to approach me likewise. A simple "hello" or "hi" to start your message is A-OK with me. If you have nothing else to say apart from that, there's no reason to contact me. If I respond at all, I'll just get snarky and say the same thing back.

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Conversation

If you want to start a conversation, keep in mind that you should keep it going. I know that some of you struggle with finding things to say. For you, I suggest that my profiles/personals posts are chock full of conversational topics. Just pick one that interests you and run with it. Again, this means that you have to read. Otherwise, single-word or sentence responses tell me that you're not interested in conversation and just want fantasy fulfillment. If you're just going to ask me to pleasepleaseplease treat you like the [insert fantasy] you are, we've got nothing to say to each other.

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Personality

Subs who have self-respect and self-confidence are very attractive and highly sought after. Yes, even if you feel you have been bludgeoned by the hammer of genetic misfortune. Even if you are plasma hot but dimmer than a black hole. Even if you are a mixture of both of these things. Even if you just think you're an average guy, your counterpart is out there. When you're passionate about something you do, we love to hear about it. Show a zest for life. If it's not an activity we're into, we still appreciate that you are a well-rounded person.

If you feel you are a "worthless piece of shit" and deserve to be treated like it, well, dominants are neither trash collectors nor therapists. Please stop acting like we are.

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Payment

No. The money-grubbing pisses me off, and I'm tired of being lumped in. Not all of us are for sale. From my other reddit comment:

Pro dominants tend to be upfront about what service the sub will receive from them. There are some findoms masquerading as lifestyle dominants who will lure you in and then ask for money or stuff. There are also some lifestyle dominants who say their time is valuable and feel potential play parters should compensate them for it, but that feels super transactional and egotistical to me.

Sure, paying for my burger when we meet would be an unexpected and nice gesture, but paying me money or buying me something from a wish list to prove he's serious? Before we've even met? Before any type of a relationship?

I didn't ask vanilla guys on okCupid to buy me things or pay money so they could talk to me, so why the hell would this be any different?!

How did this become acceptable? Why is this what some lifestyle female dominants expect?

I just...I really don't get this community sometimes :/

(I'm not kink-shaming, I'm greed-shaming. Big difference.)

I talk to a *lot* of you, and I know that the findom/scammer struggle is real. I'm sorry that this has happened to you so often that you believe we're all like this. I'm just as frustrated as you are. Please keep in mind that we are not all interested in transactional domination.

You can actually help combat the problem.

Going back to the introduction, if you routinely start out your messages or profiles by calling dominants an honorific, please stop. That leaves room for findoms, etc. to take advantage because they assume you're looking for instant gratification by trying to accelerate the process in skipping the "getting to know you and your limits" part and are willing to pay for the privilege. It's kinda like paying for the fast track at Disneyworldland compared to standing in line forever.

In a similar vein, if you see a dominant's profile and they start calling you names or demanding they're your [insert honorific here] before you've even contacted them, pass it on by or report it. The same goes for messages they send. They probably want your money or are naïve/delusional.

UPDATE 1/28/19: There are other tells that will help you weed them out.

Look at their profile.

• Are they part of any pro or findom groups?
• Does their profile read like a bad porn fantasy replete with all of the things they're going to do to you or expect you to do for them?
• Do they mention gifts, tributes, wish lists, helping them out, showing your appreciation, paying, paypigs, gift cards, piggies, findom, financial, finances, financial domination, money, monetary, compensation, finsub, spoiling, wallet, sugar, sugar daddy, sugar baby, "per hour", etc.?
• Are any of the keywords hyperlinked in their profile and lead to a shortened PayPal or Amazon (amzn) address?
• Are any of these keywords in their fetish list?

If so, it's a good idea to do what I do and use your mad blocking skillz; even though I'm a dom, I figure that we've got nothing to say to each other, ever.

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Verification

I know you're paranoid and want to quickly ascertain that the dominant you're talking to is in fact not a 50 y/o guy typing away in a wifi-enabled cave, but I can guarantee that's not me. You want me to voice or Skype verify? I can't. I have a form of auditory dyslexia that makes doing either extremely difficult/impossible. Keep in mind that dominants who can't verify how you want them to aren't lying or always scammers. What I do - upon determining you're 49% axe murderer at the most - is send you a link to one of the book review videos I post every single weekday. It's my job, so you also get to see me at work :)

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Photos

For the love of the flying spaghetti monster, please do not send dick pics or use them as your avatar unless you want us to a) think you're a dick or b) think that your dick is all you have to offer us. Please do not send or link to explicit photos in your messages - respect our right to consent and wait for us to request them. Also, we're not all exhibitionists. Some of us don't have nudes or racy photos; those of us that do will send them when we're ready, not because you demand wank fodder.

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Roleplaying/sexting/cybering/online domination

We're not all interested in any of this, and I especially am not. As a demisexual (I can't be sexually attracted to you until/unless we have an emotional bond), it does nothing at all for me, but if it's all you're interested in or you expect messages to escalate to this point, it's best to be honest with yourself and me and not initiate contact/respond to my initial message.

If you are especially interested in online domination (not long-distance relationships, don't confuse the two), you will likely have to pay them for it as most dominants will be putting in a lot of work for very little in return. Don't get upset because they won't give you your fantasy for free. Like findoms and pros, they are sex workers. Think of it like contacting a chat hotline. It's costly, and while the woman on the other end files her nails or finishes her crossword, she's trying to keep your interest...because time is money, not because she actually cares about you.

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In Person

Dating

Don't look so surprised - we dominants do indeed date you guys! Like I said earlier, we're people, too, and some of us want to find lifelong partners. Once we've determined you're pretty great, we want to get to know you better in an in-person vanilla capacity. You may not get your kinky kicks on the first date, or the third, or the fortieth. If patience is not a virtue you possess, you're probably looking for...

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One-night stands

Don't assume we all want to meet you for temporary kinky fun times. If a dominant does, be sure to protect yourself. Discuss limits, allergies, triggers, consent, etc. Spontaneity and kink with strangers doesn't mix well. Don't assume that someone you barely know knows you as well as you know yourself. Yeah, I think that made sense. Anyway, if a dominant wants to just jump right in and play without discussing things, this is risky in the not-fun way. Simply head on home or tell them to kick rocks. Sure, that means you're not getting any, but it also means that you live to perv another day.

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Since people usually stop reading my posts after "hi" I'm going to stop here :D

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TL;DR Dominants aren't always for sale. Some of us are seeking long-term relationships. Subs/slaves/switches don't have to be controlled by their dicks. Some of you are also seeking long-term relationships. This post is a way to ensure we both meet each other in the middle and do a better job of finding each other.

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holds up Gold and Silver Awards with mascara running down face

Wow...thank you two so much! I didn't expect this at all; you like me, you really like me! I also want to thank my (imaginary) hedgehog, Sushi, my -

awards music plays

- dammit.

[but seriously, thank you again! :)]