I’m sorry if this is a bit of a rant but I just want to express how I feel and maybe get help or recommendations on what I should do. Also, for a content warning, there is a brief mention about thoughts of self harm.

To set the mood, after I got home from work yesterday (around 11pm), I really wanted to make sure that I rested well because I had been awake for 31 hours, which I believe is the longest time I’ve went without proper sleep. I thought I would ease out of the day with an asmr/sleep aid audio. The ones I listened to all revolved around a dominant female figure who affirms and “cuddles” the listener. I hadn’t tried it in at least a couple of months, and I felt like it would be a nice way to get me to bed with its simulated comfort. The last one I listened to was the one that really has affected me. The emotions I felt while listening to it hit me so hard that I started crying part of the way through. It made me feel genuinely cared for and that I was loved for unconditionally, not in a way that a family member would love you, but in a way that was much more intense than I believe I have ever been the subject of. While I felt these emotions, I also could not ignore the reality that I was only listening to audio, and not really being cared after, no matter how real it felt in the moment. It got to the point in which I started sobbing uncontrollably when it ended. I somehow took the audio personally in a way that the ending signified the perceived girlfriend leaving me, despite earlier mentions of wanting to be with me forever. I spent some time weeping to myself in my room, mainly thinking about how I may never actually be in a scenario like the ones presented in the audios. After some time, I forced myself to calm down and go to sleep, believing I would be over it by the time I got up. When I got up, I still felt the sadness I felt from last night.

This experience is an example of something I have been feeling especially frequently in the past 2-3 months. The truth is that I don’t feel like there is anything to keep pushing on for, or to justify my life. I feel like everybody else has purpose in their lives, and I struggle to find mine. I’m extremely scared that I currently feel trapped on earth, as ending my life would leave my family and friends devastated. I feel like the only way I can feel purpose in my life is to share it with someone who I love more than anyone and anything else, with her loving me the same. I don’t have much experience with relationships, as I only have had one girlfriend in my life over 2 years ago, in which she seemed to constantly show more admiration for other men, and dumped me after exactly 2 weeks. I never really felt like I was anyone’s top choice, and I feel like compromising my love for another person is a disservice to both of us. I really feel like the next relationship I have to be in has to be my soulmate, if someone like that is even real. This makes me extremely worried, a because I have no idea of where or how I can find this person if they are out there. I hate that this is how my brain works, but I have to deal with it.

The point of this all is to get help, guidance, reassurance, anything to make me feel better. I don’t mean to draw sympathy or have people pity me, I only want help. Please be gentle if you can, because putting all of this out there makes me feel very vulnerable. Also, if possible, I would prefer if you don’t mention if you are in a relationship currently, as it makes me extremely self conscious. Anyway, I hope whoever reads this has a great day, I wish everyone seeking relationships good luck, and those in relationships to keep being happy. Thank you so much for listening to what I have to say.