my(20 ftm) gf(20mtf) of 3 years broke up with me a few months ago bc i got too codependent on her (bpd :/). right now we're still talking and love each other but we're going NC soon on her end and im trying to be supportive but it hurts so much. chances are she says we won't get back together bc there was a lot of hurt on her end, especially as always being caretaker for my undertreated mental illness, whjch i understand but :(

i feel so needy and i get still so worked up thinking about her. whenever i masturbate i imagine riding her and i fuck myself on my dildo the way i did with her. I keep looking for porn that's like us and imagining it's her fucking me and I only cum so good when im picturing her. but then i always feel like a mini sub drop afterwards bc i remember that im all alone and my domme said goodbye to me.

it's worse bc i have child SA trauma and she was the first person i had sex with and made me feel so protected and respected and i feel too scared and repulsed to have sex without her. right before our breakup we added a third into our relationship as a fwb but my bpd got so bad during the few threesomes we had that it all fell apart and got so messy. and now that close friend i had has removed me from their life too

i can't imagine losing my domme forever, she's the love of my life and my owner and i had just started looking for collars before we split . feel so lost and sad. i keep wanting attention and love from her but i can't get that and it's killing me inside :( i just want to be called a good boy again , my heart misses her so much. i feel wrong without her, i love being her sub and ever since the breakup ive gotten even subbier (was switch w sub lean). my body misses her too, i keep feeling so needy and horny and i miss how she smelled and her cock in me and i want her marks again and just .....

help or support or anything appreciated :(

edit: wanted to add that im in active therapy and have been for on and off for almost a year n was pro-recovery throughout our relationship but circumstances just made it difficult to happen :/