16 days ago, I made a post on here talking about my low self-confidence, my self-hatred, and my fear that I would never find a partner because of these issues in my life. Over these last two weeks, I have really began working on myself in regards to these problems, and I’m happy to report that I have made progress! I’ve noticed that my negative self-talk has decreased over these last two weeks, and while I’m not seeing a massive change in my self-esteem it is definitely slowly increasing. So that’s good.

What isn’t so good is that I ventured into online dating during this time period and it was good!—at first. I got two (very real) matches that I connected well with over text. However, me and one girl, despite her being so sweet and kind, ended up not working out because of our conflicting schedules and the fact that our conversations and connection fizzled out after the first few days.

Yesterday, I matched with another girl who I honestly thought I was even more compatible with, and that had a good start….until tonight it seems like she’s beginning to ignore me on Snapchat and also randomly unmatched me on Tinder. I could be overthinking, but it seems like this one is going to be a dud too.

While I guess this proves that there are people out there who find me attractive, at the same time it’s so disappointing about how not one but two potential connections fizzled out. I deleted Tinder. My own mother didn’t want me to use it and I’m starting to see that she had a point. I also posted a personal ad on the femdom personals subreddit here but I didn’t get any responses, although I’ll probably try again tomorrow. At this point I’m not even so focused on finding a domme more than I am finding a partner. And even when I have successes the failures cause all the bad thoughts to come back, even if it’s just for a little bit.

I still have hope but the voice inside me that tells me it’ll never happen for me is pretty strong tonight. But I think I’ve done enough work over these last couple of weeks that I’ll end up coming out on the other side stronger than I was before.