**Trigger Warnings: mental health and talk of suicide

I just feel like I need to get this off of my chest because I have no one to talk to and it's been months now and the pain won't go away.

I was in an online only dynamic and my sub lived across the country. Right after Christmas my sub messaged me that he was having suicidal thoughts but was safe and was going to a friend's house and planned to go to a facility in the morning. He said he didn't know when he'd be back online. That's the last I heard from him.

We'd only been talking for a month or so but I really felt like we connected. We talked everyday and I really cared about him. My anxiety was off the charts waiting to hear from him and wondering if he was ok. I would never expect anyone to put me before their mental health needs but weeks and weeks passed without an "I'm ok but need a break" message or anything. I sent him messages periodically telling him that I was thinking about him and hoping he was ok. I would frequently check his account for activity because at this point I still didn't know if he safely made it to the facility or not. I tried to tell myself that he just ghosted me and that these things happen but I felt so sick with worry. (I have bad anxiety and he was aware of that).

A few weeks ago I went to check his account for activity and found that he blocked me. I feel so stupid and awful and disgusting and used and broken. I've felt nauseous for weeks now and it won't go away. I've been so worried about him and he blocked me with out so much as a goodbye. I'm so relieved that he's ok but I feel so pathetic for spending literal months worrying about someone who apparently didn't care about me in the slightest. Like I knew he didn't really care for me romantically but I thought we were at least friends. And then I feel selfish for thinking I deserve anything when he was clearly struggling with mental health issues. I feel so pathetic and disgusting I want to die. And despite all this I still feel awful telling his business on the internet. It's just that this ugly pain inside me won't go away and I really don't know how to get past it. I'm trying so hard to move on, I'm in therapy, I've written this out and deleted it a bunch of times but it hasn't helped, I just don't know what else to do.

I feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again because I can't trust my own intuition. Anytime someone is nice to me, deep down I wonder if they're lying or if there is something I'm missing. I wonder if I'm too nice for my own good and being taken advantage of. If I'm naive or blinded by my own desperate need to be wanted.

I thought I just needed time to heal but it's been months. I don't expect anyone to have advice, I just needed to rant. I'll probably delete this in like an hour lol