Here’s the thing… I have had partners that were 6’2 and slender, 5’8 and cuddly (very cuddly), ones that were fair, ones that were darker, ones who were into feminisation, ones that were masculine… what they had in common was being interested in me as a person first.

I became attracted to them and entered into a sexual relationship with them after we had spent time learning about each other with no pressure nor expectation of sex.

My cariad, a medium height heavy build gentleman, who was interested in me reasonably early in our friendship, was calm, patient, gently flirty, and responded to where I was at. We’ve been sexual partners for almost 3 years, and it was because he made me feel important and cared about without sex.

People have ‘types’, sure, but you can be perfect on paper and if I feel like you’re just in it to get spanked then it kills the connection for me.

Obviously I can only speak for myself, but I have to say… as a domme a lot of people have made a run at my DMs, and 90% of them got sexual in the first half hour and turned me off. It wasn’t that they were ‘bad’ people, and it wasn’t that they were rude even (not necessarily), it was that… if you don’t know me and I don’t know you, then I can be replaced in this relationship by a machine that spanks you, tugs your leash and calls you a good boy. I don’t want to BE that replaceable, and I don’t want my partner to be either.

When I dominate you (or sub for you if you’re switchy too), it’s to experience a deep connection. To KNOW you, and part of that is familiarity and affection and a real relationship. I’m 100% sure there will be people out there who are very happy with a more transactional arrangement or who don’t need that sense of connection, but I won’t be the only one like this either.

I know it’s hard, and I’m really sorry that it can be difficult for people to find what they’re looking for in a partner… but I think focusing on whether or not your traits are popular with dommes is the wrong way to go. Make real connections with people who like the things you like, and talk to them openly and honestly about those things without making the other person feel like sex is an expected outcome. Worst case you make friends that you can really talk to and be honest wit, and that can’t be considered a bad outcome, surely?