So... I've been gender questioning ever since last September. But my journey goes further back. I'm right now an enby (22) but I've been having doubts. Like recently I've been having euphoric thoughts about being transfeminine. But starting yesterday I've been thinking that I'm really a cisman and more comfortable that way upon trying to visualize my ideal self. But I'm worried that it's because I'm not sure how to picture my ideal self.

On top of that, leading up to that realization, I've been experiencing severe anxiety/depression to the point that I've been having constant suicidal ideation. Looking at pictures of myself feminine feel like a mistake. I'll never become feminine because I'm never that way. Deep down inside I'm just a hairy ugly lazy man (even though I hate he/him pronouns).

A lot of this is just venting. I know I can be any gender I want. It's just been difficult especially since I haven't been able to land a gender variance therapist.

Anyone else also been dealing with this?