I'm just really unhappy all the time honestly and I don't want to be. I just have this urge to self harm that I just ignore most of the time.

Like I've thought about it and I don't think my happiness stems from nihilism or existentialist nihilism or anything like that. I just now that I feel unhappy a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and some days I'm tired and easily irritable.

I just want a fix for my all my negative feelings. I'm seeing a therapist and she wants me to see a psychiatrist. Her opinion is it sounds like depression. But, I don't know if that's right either I just feel lazy and worthless.

I can write this post, but I haven't been motivated to really do anything. And those two thing don't really add up to me. I just feel like it should be easier to get through the day to day stuff that everyone does than it has been.

Like it just feels so dumb to struggle with the basics.

Like I'm sad about the gender stuff, but I'm just sad in general. I don't feel my therapist was really helpful about that.

I mean she wasn't wrong in what she said, but don't know it wasn't anything I didn't already know. Where she was like you know you got to find your own definition of femininity there are many different cultural standards that are different etc basically that type of thing. I don't remember her exact words, but at some point she said "gender is fluid" and all that type of thing.

I don't know my next session is tomorrow I feel like I have a lot to say or at least I wrote more in my journal than usual when I try to stick to two pages.