This is not your typical post about how I'm unhappy... but rather about how I stay happy. I'm not perpetually happy, but most of the time. I notice a lot of posts about how confusing it is to be gender fluid, and how frustrating it can be. It most certainly can be both of those things, most often at the same time.

So how does one gender fluid find a state of happiness when they're constantly in a state of flux? When you're staring at someone you're attracted to and your gender feelings and sexual desires suddenly flip on you and the desire to ask that person out for a coffee just flew out the window because now you're staring at the person behind them? How do you deal with parents who don't understand? or friends who mispronoun you? The GenderFluid existence is probably the most complex of the trans identities simply because it encompasses all of them, sometimes at the same time, and it's different for each of us. So where does Happiness fit in?

As a 43yo Gender Fluid human, I've discovered a number of things about myself.
The first is, I'm happiest when I'm not focussed on myself, but rather just exist. Maybe one day I'll be in runners, leggings, a hoodie, lip gloss, and a baseball hat. I'm nearly bald. The moment I say "Fuck it." and go about my day shopping, lunch, walking my dog... I get people stopping to talk to me all the fucking time and nobody gives a shit. I'm seen. I'm heard... I know this because they laugh at my jokes.

Much of the time, before I step out the door, I feel a rush of insecurity over me. How do I look? How do I present? Then... "Who gives a fuck. Am I comfy? Do I like myself? Am I kind?" I went to the mall the other day. There was a person on drugs, sitting outside on a cement thing lookin like he was about to nose dive off. Nobody was helping. Nobody cared. I parked my car and walked over to him. *Snapping my fingers to get attention* YO! HEY! You ok? You look like you're about to do a headder off this thing onto the cement side walk... He explained his situation, and thanked me for caring when nobody else did. "Well, bud I ain't here to judge, just to make sure you don't nose dive into the pavement, or you'll have even bigger problems." He chuckled, and wished me a good day. (I am first aid trained - one level below first-responder... just fyi)

I walked into the mall, and there was some dude sitting in the food court drawing. Excellent drawings of comic book superheros. No small talk. I hate small talk. Clearly he was drawing them from imagination, there was no books around but he was completing a spider man 8.5x11. "Holy shit, that's amazing you're a great at this!" Guess what he said... (I'm in Lululemon leggings, nike runners, a black square neck bikini top, and a black flowy crinkly shirt that covers just enough down below that I'm not showing, because I don't tuck.) nothing I'm wearing is mens... Know what he said? "Thank you. Hey I like your shirt! looks great." Could have been a generic return compliment... but he didn't have to say it. He could have stopped at "thanks!".

Parents, what to do about parents. This could be a whole other post. I find most often that people who make the transphobic/etc remarks are those who don't understand it. Not because they necessarily hate the person, but because they don't understand the person. They won't understand it - because they can't. And you can't make them. One thing I've found that helps combat understanding is... compassion. I'll leave this one here, because this section about parents, family, work spaces, etc... is really all about one thing. Combating or Mitigating Adversity. It's a long one. So lets move back to my original topic.

Have you noticed a theme that pops up with my experience? The first is, the majority of people don't care. In fact, many of them do care, but they just wanna let people be themselves. The second is probably the most important. It's focus. When I turn my focus inward, my insecurities pop to the front of the line in my thought process, and they bother me. I know I have insecurities, everyone does. But when I turn my focus outward... onto what I'm doing, where I'm going, if I'm with friends... my insecurities fade away. I'm not worried about how I look. I'm not worried about how other perceive me. I just exist. And with my mind free from worry about things that don't matter... I exist in a happy state because 90% of my anguish is created in my mind.

So how do we become happy when we cannot control the flux, the ebb and flow of emotions, feelings, and identity... When I'm out in public, and I'm feeling more feminine, but I'm in man-jeans and Tshirt. or more masculine and I'm in my leggings and a ribbed tank top? There is only one constant in this world and that constant is change. I know, this is not an answer. At least not the one you were hoping for. But it's true. So when this happens, again I realize that my focus has been turned inward to myself. I re-focus on something else to give my mind time to process what's happening. Ultimately though, the best thing that you can do for yourself as a gender fluid person... is to accept EVERY facet of yourself. Self Acceptance is not an easy road to walk. It took me 42 years. I'll write about that another time.

Until then, my gender fluid famjam... I'm here if you have questions, or comments. Live each day fully experiencing your true self, your desires, and your feelings.

❤️Jess.