I'm not sure if this will make sense

I believe I'm genderfluid but when I feel masculine it makes me feel down and I seem happier when I feel Femine. I think it has something to do with my father since he is very judgemental

I want to do HRT sometimes but it scares me and I keep going back and foreward about it. Moving away from my family would help with my condision and allow me to experiment.

Someone suggested I imagine an ideal version of.me but I have no idea what that is. I wish I was full trans since I think that would still be complaced but somewhat easier to understand.

I spoke to a online service I was recommended and they suggested I speak to a gender counsoler but I'm not sure about that since I wouldn't know what to tell them and how to answer there questions