Just turn to 30. Still I haven't experienced with any kind of sexual relationship although I am confident about my look and hobbies. I am yet to decide what i want in my life.

The thing is being in a islamic country of south asia, i was mostly on denial on my teenage year that i like men. When i got into college i soon left my head out of this religion and looked onto what i like. In those years i grew attraction to Older Man, through porn obviously.

Then when i got into university life I met an woman. She was so smart and i liked to talk to her and go on dates. But i really didnt feel her sexually which made me put the connection with her on stall. She was so fond of me and i believe she waited for me to make my move. But i didnt as i was confused about myself. In the same period, i met a very beautiful guy aged 55 on facebook. And i used to chat both of them simultaneously. He seemed to be a straight guy but knew i was having a crush on him. We met in person few times and he once asked me if i want to express anything to him? I was not sure what he meant so i didnt tell him anything as he used to fuck women and would talk about it. Which made me confused. Although at the end of my university life he came in a wedding ceremony of my cousin. And hugged me in a seductive way. I wanted to tell him that i love him, i want him. But after a month he died in a brain stroke. I visited him when he was in coma. i cried looking at him and really wished he survived so that i could talk about my feelings to him even though i was not sure he would accept me. But i loved him. And this incident gave a sense that being gay might lead me to loneliness one day. So i was trying to work something out with that woman. But after 2 years i felt like i was forcing myself to her. She deserved better. We both liked each other. I even learnt guitar for her and used to sing songs for her. But one part of me always wanted her to go as i thought i might ruin her life. She got married after university. I felt really broken and happy at the same time. i was 26 that time.

I then decided to move from this country and shift to north america to explore what i actually want. But it is taking 4 years and the pandemic has paused all my effort. Recently i met another women in my workplace. She is 5 years younger than me. I fell for her as she made me feel like 21 with her childish attitude. I had the feeling that she is the most perfect partner i will ever find. Although i still was watching gay old young porn to satisfy need, a tiny sexual attraction was growing for her too. But last week she stopped talking to me for any unknown reason. I wanted her back. I tried, But she didnt response. I want to move on now. But i am feeling without her i will not be happy. Its probably because on my 30s i want to have a lifelong relationship and it seemed to me she was the last chance. I think this age of mine is bothering me. and forcing me to decide what i want in life in a hurry. I am still confused of myself.

I want advice from you guys.