i love how this is only my second post on this sub and both of them have been about me feeling insecure about myself lmao. context about me, i’m 21, transmasc (they/he/it), gay, plus sized and pretty hairy. and aside from one hookup this year, i’ve only ever been with other transmascs.

so in my last two relationships, both of which involving sex and kink, i was expected to top and generally dom. and in both cases, i didn’t feel fulfilled at all, and developed a lot of insecurities, especially about my body and my preferences. i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that topping isn’t ideal for me for multiple reasons. i have fibro, for one, and topping is just physically strenuous on my body, whether i’m using my hands or a toy or a strap or whatever. it just physically hurts. i also just prefer receiving pleasure, which makes me feel like i’m selfish and bad and that kind of thing.

but in both of those relationships, and all but one of my irl sexual encounters in general, i’ve been made to feel really uncomfortable and weird about my body, especially my genitalia. not intentionally on their parts, and i don’t hold it against them at all. but the effect is still the same. no one’s ever wanted to touch me like that, at least no one i’ve actually been with. i have gotten dms from guys on grindr using language regarding things they want to do to me that have also made me feel very uncomfortable. but anyway, because i’m, frankly, a big hairy trans dude, three of the four people i’ve been with sexually have very much not wanted to touch me like that at all, and have made comments about my body and specifically my genitalia that have stuck in my brain ever since. and i don’t think they were being malicious, and it’s perfectly fine that they didn’t want to do that with me, that’s fair. but it’s still stayed with me regardless and i feel so weird about my body and that i’m a bottom.

my last boyfriend also didn’t want to engage with my biggest kink at all, which, again, is fine. don’t do something you don’t want to do. but also again, it did subconsciously make me feel weird and ashamed about said kink and now i’m a little terrified to ever bring it up again, and that i’m weird for liking it so much. the kink itself is puppy play for reference, and even just typing that also makes me feel weird in itself.

i don’t get a lot of genital dysphoria, but especially lately because i’ve been thinking about this stuff, i just feel so gross and weird and uncomfortable. like, just thinking about the way my body is, and looks, and those experiences makes me feel gross. like i need to wash my hands. and i feel like i’m supposed to be a top, and that no one will ever want to touch me anyway so i might as well just deal with it and not bother.

i’ve even tried to organise a few hookups, or even just chat with guys sexually online, but the second i think too hard about it, or god forbid the other guy starts talking about my body, i just feel gross and terrified and freeze up completely. like, i’m so scared that the second they see what my body looks like, specifically my genitals, and think i’m gross and disgusting and not want me anymore. and idk. i just feel like i’m never going to find anyone who’ll actually like me and find me attractive and want me as i am. whether it’s a hookup or a relationship or whatever. and i don’t think i’m ever going to like my body as it is either.

i don’t even know what to do anymore. i want to find that magical person, whether it’s a relationship or a one time hookup or a fwb or whatever, who’ll make me feel amazing and comfortable and like my body is attractive etc. but a) i know that’s unrealistic and b) even if it was realistic, i’ve had zero luck on various platforms anyway. or in real life. i’ve had somehow less than zero luck in real life. and i feel guilty about feeling so gross and weird about my body, especially when i’d look at any other transmasc who looks like me and think they’re hot. it’s not even that i hate having the genitals i have, i hate mine specifically. does that even make sense? i don’t know anymore. i’m pretty much rambling at this point.

i will say that my last sexual experience was really good. it wasn’t particularly long, they were on a time crunch lmao. but it was really nice, i felt comfortable, i had a good time. they actually were the first amab person i’ve ever been with, and i kind of preferred it? which also makes me feel weird and guilty and i don’t know if i want to unpack that right now.

but yeah, i don’t know what to do going forward. it’s really not helping that my sex drive has decided to fucking skyrocket over the last month and a half which makes me feel even more gross !!! if anyone has any advice or has dealt with similar feelings please lmk. i feel like i’m alone on this even though i know i’m probably not.