I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone and politics tended to be conservative. I had a few interactions in middle/high school that made me aware that I may be sexually attracted to guys, but not anything I could ever act on. This was just before the smartphone era, so going on Grindr to find someone the next town over wasn't a thing yet. Even as I stumbled upon sites like Adam4Adam and Manhunt, I was way to nervous about discretion to act on my urges. I wasn't interested in men for anything more than sex; anything that involved romance I was way more into women. If girls knew I was interested in dick, wouldn't they be turned off? Still to this day I'm pretty bipolar with my sexuality- I'm either really into dick or really into titties. Not much of an in between.

Fast forward to my Freshman year of college where I'm at a mid-sized school. I had no experience making new friends since I was in third grade and the early going was a bit tough. I was on a coed floor, which wasn't that typical at my school, and don't think I would've been friends with anyone that I was around if we'd gone to high school together. Those early days of partying were somewhat awkward.

One unusually warm night in that first fall semester I ended up at an outdoor party with my floormates and was making small talk with whoever. Even though I had a good buzz going, I bailed somewhat early and was alone in my dorm room with this odd feeling good but also not feeling good state. I figured I should jerk off or something before bed and the aforementioned bi feelings were fully tilted towards guys at that moment for whatever reason.

I opened up Manhunt and had a few hits from guys nearby. One of them, Sean, was clearly on the same campus as I was and said he was in a similar kind of bicurious boat as me, though he had experience that I didn't. We moved to chat over cam and flashed each other a few times. I didn't open my laptop intending to actually hook up with a guy for the first time, but the beer from earlier combined with my balls tingling to want to do something. Sean's roommate was gone for the weekend and he offered to let me sleep over if I wanted. While that wasn't necessary, something in my agreed to go to his place.

As I walked across campus my mind was racing. Am I really doing this? What if I start running into him across campus while I'm trying to get a girl? It felt like this could all go sideways and trap me. But I kept walking and before I knew it I was texting him that I'm outside.

Sean came downstairs and had me signed into his dorm. We made small talk as we walked up three flights of stairs to his room. He had some light music playing- Dave Matthew's or something like it- and a scented candle lit. Clearly a set up for sex.

We made small talk for a minute or two before Sean took off the hat I had on and briefly lifted up my shirt. I took the hint and took off my shirt and motioned for him to do the same. We tweaked each others nipples a bit before he undid my shorts and pulled everything down.
There I was, butt naked in front of another boy. He reached out and started stroking my increasingly hard dick. He told me how nice I looked and I began to blush. The aspiring bottom in me undid his pants and got him naked like me. He had a nice dick, about 7.5 inches and pretty thick at least to my frame of reference. I reached out and touched a penis that wasn't mine for the first time.

Our hands explored each others cocks and balls for a few moments before I instinctively got on my knees and was staring at his one eyed monster. I gave it a few more strokes and then put it in my mouth. I couldn't believe the series of events over the past 30 minutes or so that led me to this point but here I am sucking cock and loving it. I tried to think about what I enjoyed most when receiving a blowjob from a girl and recreate that- working his balls and paying attention to that spot on the bottom of his thick shaft near where it meets the head. He ran his hands through my hair and moaned- I think I was doing a good job.

At some point I stood back up and we stroked each other some more. He asked if I wanted to try fucking him and I decided to go along with it. We didn't have any real lube so he got out some lotion and rubbed some on my cock and his hole.

He bent over the side of his bed and I grabbed his hips and felt for his hole with the tip of my dick. I found it and went at it for a few minutes trying to make his cheeks slap my hips. It was a nice feeling but I didn't want to come; I was intrigued by the idea of being a bottom.

After a few minutes Sean asked if I'd like to get rimmed. He was extremely polite making sure I was doing all the experiments I had in mind and I couldn't have been luckier to get someone like this for my first time. We flipped positions and I bent over his bed. He got on his knees behind me and spit on my hole before shoving his face into my ass, grabbing both cheeks and getting his tongue deep in my hole. This is without a doubt the best feeling I've ever had during sex with either a guy or a girl. I was in heaven.
Eventually he pulled his face out of my buns and asked if I wanted to get fucked. No question the answer was yes. My hole felt so good and I had never been more turned on. Keep in mind we had no lube and his dick was rather thick. He rubbed more of the lotion on it, lined it up with my hole and....YOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I jumped up from his head entering me with a shreik of pain. The situation wasn't ideal and I wasn't sure what to do. Sean was understanding and asked if I'd prefer to 69 on the bed. Anything to take the pain I was feeling from that two seconds of contact with my ass.
We sucked each other's dicks for a bit and it progressed to more. Sean worked his way into fingerings my ass, and eventually I was sitting on his face getting rimmed while I sucked his dick some more. That best feeling ever from that initial rimjob was replaced by this one while I had him in my mouth. He dug his hands into my cheeks and gave me some nice firm spanks while eating my ass. At one point I stared at his dick staring me in the face and thought I should try riding him to truly break my anal cherry but didn't. I would come to regret this.

He asked if I wanted to fuck him again and I went along with it. This time he laid down on the bed with his perky ass sticking up inviting me to mount it. I stuck my dick in, got that slapping sound going and proudly looked down to see my shift penetrating him while his ass jiggled. It didn't take long before I was coming in his ass.

After I came I jumped up embarrassed. Was I embarrassed that I came in him like that? Embarrassed that he didn't get to cum at all? Panicked that I shouldn't have done this to begin with?

Sean was standing there still looking great, his thick cock still hard. He tried to calm me down a bit by saying this was a normal reaction and he doesn't need to finish. I stroked his dick a few more times but eventually decided to get dressed and leave. As I made my way back across campus I started to feel awful. Sean texted me to say not to worry and if I ever wanted a blowjob or anything just let him know. He was much more of a gentleman than I was.

After getting back to my dorm I jerked off thinking about what just happened twice. Any feelings of regret I had at first had passed before I even went to sleep. I was happy and excited I finally got naked and fooled around with a guy.

I'd like to say this was the start of me getting dick every weekend for the next four years, but it was actually my only experience with a guy in college. The next few weeks after my hookup I started getting AIM messages from Sean (who I hadn't given my name to yet) and other people claiming to be bicurious guys on campus who knew about our hookup. I hadn't given my screename to Sean and the only way these people could have found it was through some cyber snooping and gossip.

I was absolutely petrified- I still have a preference for girls and didn't want word to get around campus that I was fucking dudes. I tried to ignore the messages or tell them they had the wrong person. For those that were a bit more persistent, I tried to play up that I came from a conservative background. I was responding in a slightly threatening manner to imply I was homophobic in an effort to chase any of these guys away from me.

Years later I'm haunted by some of the responses I gave to those unsolicited AIM messages- I should have just ignored them completely- while still annoyed that a discreet hookup would spread my name around so carelessly.

And, yes, I constantly fantasize about what would've happened had I responded to them and experimented some more. There's still so much I wish I had done in college even though I've explored sex with men since.

Was I the asshole?