I was in shambles as I watched my best friend of five years walk away from me. He hopped into his black Chevrolet truck without even looking back. He cranked his truck and sped off from my house leaving me feeling empty on the inside. I felt as though I fucked up, but I didn’t initiate anything. Everything was at his doing. He orchestrated this.  Yet, somehow, I am the one left hurt.

I went back into my house. I shut and locked the door behind me. That wouldn’t matter though. He had a key. I surveyed the damage in the living room. Broken glass. The slanted picture frames. The fist-sized hole in my wall.

I had never seen Todd like that in my life. He was always so cheerful. Thoughtful. Caring. The happiest-go-luckiest guy I have ever seen. I watched as people flocked to him, drawn in by his bright personality and charming smile. It didn’t hurt that he was ridiculously attractive in a conventional way. He was tall, standing just over six feet. He kept his brown hair cut short. His piercing blue eyes had a way to make you feel welcomed and studied at the same time. His frame was stacked with muscle, but he started filling in more as we got older. He was coming into his prime. The “dad bod” although he had no children to give him that official title.

Todd and I met our sophomore year of high school when his family moved to South Georgia from Ohio right after the school year started. He sat next to me in English and immediately introduced himself to me first.

I consider myself an outgoing guy, but I also stay reserved and observational typically. He broke through that barrier offering me a handshake and a friendly smile and our friendship blossomed over the next two years. We shared a lot of classes. Shared lunch. Shared stories. He played football, and I was the study type. I remained active in the gym, but did not have an interest in pursuing sports.

Todd became the heartthrob of the school. All the teachers liked him. All the students wanted to be friends with him. The guys wanted to be him. I wanted to be with him.

Over the next few years, Todd and I kept a strong bond through both of our ups and downs over many different trials. I came out to Todd shortly after we graduated high school.

“Thank fuckin’ God you finally said it, bro!” he laughed. “I was about to tell you that you just needed to come out to me already.” And that was that. Nothing else changed. Even though he gave me no reason to think so, I was always afraid my sexuality would be a problem in our friendship. Clearly, it didn’t matter to him.

Todd and I both worked together in the local town’s restaurant after graduation. We’d often find ourselves closing the dining room most nights. We’d discuss our plans for the future. I had already been slated to start working with my dad and would attend online school. Todd had plans to join the military.

“Marines, man. You have to get into the Marines,” I would encourage him.

“I know, dude. But you know I love the water. I’m thinking about joining the Navy.”

“I still vote the Marines.”

“You just want to see me in some dress blues,” he joked. He gave me a sideways grin and wagged his eyebrows.

“No shame,” I laughed, but he was right.

After the summer, Todd and I parted ways while he attended basic training. After basic, he had other assignments to complete. We kept up where we could but not often. I missed him. I always felt like I could have an extra boost of confidence with a guy like Todd around. He had become my rock over the last few years, but I worked to keep myself busy in his absence.

During Todd’s time away, I had met a guy online who lived a few towns away. He was my age and cute. We dated and were each other’s firsts in all aspects. But, shortly after, I found out he was talking to other guys and ended the relationship. It was only a couple of months in, but I felt the pain of the first heart break settling into me. To be fair, I internally compared this guy to Todd a lot. He never made me feel the same way Todd did.

Todd returned to Georgia late into Autumn. I vividly remember when I laid eyes on him for the first time after so long. Though impossible, it felt like he grew another few inches towering over my five foot 10 stature. He looked as though he packed on twenty pounds of muscle. The red shirt he wore clung to his biceps and chest.

He ran over to me and picked me up in a hug. I gripped him back so tight. I felt like everything was right again.

“Dude it is so fucking good to see you,” I said after he put me down. “But I have to ask. When did you start wearing smedium shirts?” I flicked at his bicep.

“Fuck you, bro. The shirts didn’t get smaller. I got bigger,” he shot back.

‘Yeah, you did,’ I thought to myself. We got into my car and drove over to his parent’s house. Todd was going to keep working at the restaurant for another few years and detailing cars until he was old enough to go to the Police Academy. One of Todd’s dreams was to be a cop.  My plan was to work with my dad on coding for software programs while attending a coding school online.

We easily fell into a routine of meeting up at the gym several times a week. We’d catch dinner together. We’d crash at each other’s places.

“What do you think about getting a place together maybe in a year or so?” he asked me one day at the gym. My heart soared at the idea. “We can really save money getting an apartment together since they just built those new ones out by the highway.” I took a break in my set to watch his ass flex as he reset the bar. The muscles in his back rippling. Fuck me.

“Yeah man. That sounds perfect. You’re about the only fucker I can tolerate being around so much in this town anyways.”

He laughed. “You’re always such a loner. You need to get out and date.” Suddenly, his phone dinged. He pulled it out and showed me his notification on a dating app he was on. While his eyes were busy, I scanned he front of him. His sweaty chest and stomach made his shirt cling to his torso. His bulge bounced when he shifted his weight to lean on a machine.

“Its Tricia. She just matched me. I always thought she was so fuckin’ hot,” he said as he swiped the app open.

I rolled my eyes on the inside. Tricia was a cheerleader in our school, and everyone thought she was a raging bitch. Yea yea, she was pretty. Brunette hair, slim body, ample chest. But there was not much going on up in her noggin except a brat attitude and a hate toward not getting her way.

“She wants to go out to dinner tonight. You good if we move our plans to tomorrow, bro?” he asked me.

“Yeah, I’m good. I got stuff to do for my dad anyways.” I looked down at my feet. On the inside, I was hurt. I knew he was straight. I knew a guy like him would never even consider doing anything with me. But it was hard. At first glance, you would expect Todd to be a jerk. He wasn’t. He was always so warm and welcoming. His consideration for my feelings and treating me like an equal did wonders for my ego. He’d open doors for me. He’d slow his pace down when we were jogging so I could keep up. All these little things that preoccupied a small part of my brain which kept saying…maybe.

I felt his hand come up under my chin and bring my face up to his. “Are you sure, man?” he asked.

See? Shit like that. “Yes, I’m sure.” I braved a smile while he studied me for a second. He nodded and walked back over to his machine.

W finished up and left the gym. While he went off to get ready for his date, I returned home to get the work done for my dad. I couldn’t focus though. Tricia was the first date I knew that he was going on. I have no reason to feel jealous, but I was. Feeling stupid, I put my music in and started typing the code for a program my dad was working on.

I didn’t hear from Todd until the next day.

Ding! ‘Wyd bro’ the text read on my phone.

‘Just got done eating breakfast. How was your date.’ I sent back.

‘I just left her parents’ house. They’re out of town. It was that good. Tell you about it later at dinner. El Ritas at 7?’ he replied.

I had a momentary freeze when I read that. I had to reason everything over in my head. Straight. Not interested. Likes pussy. Tricia slept with my man. No she didn’t. I’m being unreasonable. All the thoughts were firing back and forth in my head. I guess I reasoned for too long because my phone dinged in my hand again.

‘Hello. Don’t leave me on read bro. Does that work?’ he texted.

‘Yes of course.’ I replied.

That night, he filled me in. His first time having sex. I was happy for him. He had a pep in his step.

Fast forward through a few years, Tricia and Todd dated this entire time. Todd and I got a two bedroom apartment in the new apartments just outside of town. We split everything down the middle and fell into a comfortable arrangement. I noted during this time, it was no big deal to see Todd parading around in his underwear. At least it was not a big deal to him. Tricia would come visit and stay the night. On those nights, even across the apartment, I’d hear them fuck. His moans. Her squeals. I’d put my music in and complete my school work to block out my jealousy.

Todd got a job with the local sheriff’s department and went to the academy. Most nights, I’d quiz him on material to keep him ready for written exams. He’d show me defensive and take down moves he’d learn that day. I would seize these opportunities to wrestle and be difficult on purpose just to enjoy having him close to me. On top of me. I reasoned that it was helping him practice.

At his graduation ceremony, he selected me to be the one to pin his badge on his chest. “This is something I want my best friend to do for me.” I remember the smug look on Tricia’s face when he announced that. I beamed with pride.

A few years after he started his job, I finally graduated college. We traveled to my university so I could walk for graduation again. When I walked across the stage, Todd’s cheers were the only ones I could hear.

One night, Todd came home from work talking on the phone yelling at someone. “Babe, I have to work Christmas. I’m sorry! It’s part of the job!”

‘Trouble in coochie paradise’ I thought to myself. I shrugged at him.

“There’s nothing I can do! I can’t take the day off, babe. I told you we would do our Christmas the next day when I’m off.”  He paused.

“You told me you supported me doing this job. This is part of the sacrifice I have to make!” Another pause.

“Are you serious? You’re ending this because of my job? You act like you’re surprised by all of this! Fine! Come get your shit. It’ll be outside.” He hung up the phone. He dropped his duty belt on the counter and retrieved a tote from the balcony storage. A few moments later, he put the box out in the breezeway and locked the door every way he could.

“Fuck,” he breathed as he laid back on the couch.

“You okay?” I asked.

“No. Yes. I don’t know bro. I tried to tell her how this could be. But she said she doesn’t want to be with a guy who can’t spend the important holidays for her. She thinks crime will take a break just because its Christmas day.”

“I’m sorry dude. I’ve told you my opinions about her here and there, but she seemed to make you happy. She needs to be more understanding.”

“I know.” He stared straight ahead at nothing.

A few minutes later we heard her come get the box and leave.

“And just like that!” He stood up. “I’m free. I was hoping she would want to talk, but I guess not. I’m done.” He started removing his uniform shirt and vest as he walked back into his room. I couldn’t help but stare at his ass as he walked away. Those pants did him justice.

After his breakup, Todd and I resumed our normal hang out times like it was years before with less interference. When he got home from his shift, I’d have dinner ready for us. He’d eat then take a shower. Then he’d unknowingly leave me hot and bothered as he walked around in his underwear. I felt like a fool lusting after him the way I did, but I had always managed to keep everything under wraps and never did anything to violate his privacy.

One night, he got home after a pretty successful arrest which led to other criminals getting arrested for a string of burglaries happening in the county. He was proud of himself but not any prouder than I could have been.

“Celebration time!” I retrieved our favorite bourbon from the cabinet and poured us both a drink. We both had the day off tomorrow and this was a good occasion. His first big break at his department. He told me how he figured out the connection and determined the location of the rest of the criminals. Drink after drink we kept going until we were pretty drunk on the couch.

“You know. I need to say something,” he said as he put his glass down on the coffee table.

“What’s up?” I slurred.

“I see you.”

“See what?” I asked.

“I’m just saying. I see you. You do a lot to keep me going. You’ve been there for all of my triumphs and helped me through my lows. You push me to be a better version of myself. I just… I see you.”

Todd never had an issue with communicating his feelings. He always made it clear he valued our friendship. We never fought. We never even really bickered except when it came to issues over Tricia.

“Thanks man,” I said. “You do a lot to keep me going too. You keep me out of my shell. I appreciate the man you are becoming, and I’m so proud to say your my best friend.”

“I see more than that too.” He grinned at me.

“What do you mean?”

“When I walk around in my boxer briefs. When I’m working out. You think I’m not looking, but I see.”

I must have clammed up, because he immediately put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m not saying it’s a problem. I just wanted you to know you aren’t as slick as you think you are.”

“I’m sorry. Just…to see you from my point of view… you’re a great guy in all aspects.”

“I appreciate that. Your looks have been good for my confidence.”

I couldn’t help it, but I gave him another scan down his body as he sat shirtless on the couch. Maybe it was the alcohol that gave me the confidence to do so in front of him. His well rounded pecs covered in a dusting of hair. His belly with a treasure trail leading into the gym shorts he wore. Down to his bulge where I thought I saw a twitch.

He smirked. “Like what you see?”

“Todd…I…” He cut me off by moving his hand from my shoulder up to the back of my head. His other hand moved to the waist band of his gym shorts.

“Sean. Don’t talk…” he applied pressure to the back of my head pulling me to his crotch. He lowered his waistband revealing trimmed pubes and the thick base of his cock. Suddenly, my nose was filled with his scent. Between that and the alcohol, I went into overdrive.

“Just this once,” he said.

To be continued…