I've been forced by men multiple times without consent and even though I clearly don't want it when it happens, later I get turned on thinking about it. Men have gotten me drunk just so I won't resist too hard and they ignore me when I tap out or struggle, they agree on safe words and then choke/gag me later so I can't use the safe word, even new hookups who just want a blowjob get aggressive on me without asking. It makes me think I have the kind of vibe that just signals rape meat or something. I've even been drugged against my will during sex and I still didn't say anything. I know it's wrong and dangerous but I get so turned on thinking about how easy it is for men to prey on me.

Being into CNC is one thing, which I am. But even with my regular hookups, they sometimes ignore me saying stop/wait/tapping out even when it's serious, and they know it's for real but they do it anyway. Once a man got on top of me to choke me and said "tap my arm 3 times if you want me to stop, I may, I may not". I let him go as long as I could endure and then I started tapping. He didn't stop. He choked me harder. I was trying to say his name, say please stop, kicking my legs, but he just kept choking me. I almost thought I was gonna die before he let go. And the worst part is, it turned me on so much I was rock hard.

Hooking up at gay bars means I'm almost always way too drunk to consent and I've been passed around as a cocksucker so much while I'm blackout drunk and can't even remember most of it. Once a guy used me in front of a crowd (dark room hookup spot in Toronto), and I said I needed to use the washroom so he let me go. I was trying to pee, very drunk, but he came up behind me and pulled off my shirt and bent me over the toilet and tried to fuck me right there even though I kept telling him to stop and back off because I needed to pee. Later he bought more alcohol for me and made me chug it even though it was awful (who tf drinks straight gin lmao). Pretty sure he would've drugged and raped me if I had agreed to go to his house like he kept insisting I should.

Being held down on someone's cock while I suck them is so common for me that I don't even see it as forced anymore. I suck strangers and they almost always get rough without asking, and love to ignore my tapouts.

If someone drugged my drink at a bar, I'd probably let them and drink it even if I saw it happen. I'm so fucked up lol. I always let people touch me however they want and have no issues being hurt, marked up, degraded, humiliated, coerced. Just my nature at this point.