I know rough sex is a kink, but I think for me it's a problem. I actively seek out men who want to hurt and humiliate and degrade me, even if I'm not actually into it. I'm not attracted to them either (they're usually much older than me which isn't my preference but I ignore my own preferences for some reason). I've let older men hurt and violate me over and over and every time it happens I feel like crying, and I have cried, I also can't stop going back for more. When it happens, it's like I finally have value because this man's attention is fully on me as he beats me or chokes me or whatever.

I've had my consent violated my multiple men, not as a CNC kink but for real. It's usually when I'm too drunk to fight back, but I already know that because I'm the one who gets drunk and goes to gay bars and actively show off to these men. I suck cock in cars a lot and more than once I've been forcibly held down when I'm clearly tapping out and saying "no/stop/wait" etc while they just use both hands to push my head down back onto the cock with all their body strength. I've been anally violated in a gay bar washroom while I was trying to pee and this guy I'd been sucking off in the dark room came over and yanked my shirt up, pushed my pants down, bent me over the toilet and pushed his cock into me even though I was clearly telling him to stop over and over. Someone was watching him do it too and jerking off I think, pretty drunk so I can't recall the details. And then later after I came out, that same guy bought me more alcohol and held it to my mouth and said "drink more" forcing me to take more sips than I wanted.

I've also been seriously injured multiple times and even then, I still keep going back for more. I've had a cyst grow on the inside of my lip from fluid buildup after repeated mouth injuries from being facefucked regularly and having my lips be smashed into my teeth. I've been choked so hard that my windpipe got injured and it hurt to swallow anything for weeks. Recently I got slapped in the face so hard that I was dizzy and disoriented for weeks continuously, and the doctor said it might be a concussion.

All of this stuff makes me feel awful that I put myself in those situations, but it's so fucked up that I also get turned on by it.