I have a girlfriend and I'm happy in that relationship. I'm not really attracted to men as a whole, and in fact I'm sexually uncomfortable around men. But I fantasize about cock constantly. I want to:

• suck on one until he comes in my mouth. I want him to skip a few showers first so I can smell and taste him strongly as I move my tongue over his balls, shaft and head. I want to feel him pulsating strongly as he fills up my mouth. I want him to leave me his underwear so I can smell them and remember the moment when I masturbate.

• I want to frot/rub cocks together. Unfortunately I'll probably cum first, unable to control myself, but my ultimate fantasy is for him to cum first so that I can feel his cock pulsating while it drenches my cock with his cum.

• Similar to the last one, but I want my cock to be your cum target. I want to watch you masturbate, and as you're about to cum, nestle the head of your cock against my shaft and just soak my cock with your cum. I could also enjoy being on the other side of this.

• I want to be fucked. I have an extremely sensitive prostate so I'm pretty sure I could cum hands free from this. I want to be fucked nice and slow, and deep, with your balls pressing into my ass cheeks with each stroke. I want you to pause at the end of each stroke so that I can really feel the balls on my ass. I'd also be pretty into being cum in if safety was addressed. Even though I don't really fantasize about topping, it could potentially work if it was in a position like cow(guy?) that gives me full access to your cock and a wonderful view of it.

In reality, I'd probably want to start with just giving someone a handjob or even just watching each other masturbate, as I need to build up my comfort level.

Sometimes I think I should have a relationship/boyfriend/fwb of some kind to explore with. I'm most likely unable to have feelings for another guy, but if I could find someone in the same boat we could explore all these things more safely rather than through random hookups.

I have a feeling this will never happen purely because I honestly tend to just window shop and not go through with things. But still, I wanted to type it all out because it's pleasurable to do so, I'm definitely quite aroused now.