Hey So, first time poster here - this may end up being a little bit of a ramble, but I feel like at the very least, me writing it all down will help me - some advice would be really appreciated though!

I (27M) have been seeing my BF (25M) for the best part of a year now. The relationship has been really positive for the whole time - despite COVID it felt like it was developing well, we were in love and there was really no arguing or discontent between us.

My BF is here in the UK on a 2 year youth visa from NZ, which runs out towards the end of this year. In November, he changed jobs into one that would sponsor him to remain in the UK for the foreseeable future, and all seemed to be going well. Since he’s been here (Nov 2019), he hasn’t been back to NZ, due to covid, and his best friend moved back to NZ in September of this year. He’s a sociable and very friendly person, who already has more friends here than I do, however, he has been homesick (understandably so) and missing his family and friends back in NZ. In early December, he asked me whether I would consider moving to NZ in the future - not with a firm deadline, but in general, is it something that I would consider. I said that I couldn’t give him an answer straight away - I’d have to think about it, but it was by no means a ‘no’. He seemed to accept this, though was of the opinion I should just ‘know’ the answer. However, I guess I’m not that sort of person, but all the same it seemed to be okay with him that I could just thinking about it over the coming weeks.

After this, three days later or so, he messages me saying that he’s not been feeling very happy recently, and needs some space to concentrate on himself and his mental health - effectively concluding that he wanted a break in order to get his head straight. He said things such as ‘I don’t know what I really want anymore - most of the decisions I make are to please other people - I just put them first and never myself’. He has also had issues in the past, with relationships (his last ex cheated on him 5 separate times before they broke up), and he’s been open about how that hurt him.

I am genuinely inclined to take him at face value in regards to his mental health, and don’t believe it’s a ‘ruse’ to simply break up with me. I wanted and feel I have been as supportive as I could, saying that I understood, loved him very much, and would give him the relationship space he needed. I made it clear though, that I would not move on from him, and was happy to wait to let him get his head clear. I love him a lot, and want to give him every chance to work through his issues as much as possible. In all honesty, he’s the only person I’ve ever truly loved, and I really saw a future with us.

Since then, we have continued to talk on a friendly basis (much less frequently than previously, though) and still exchanged Christmas presents, have met up twice (just to walk, thanks Covid), but haven’t talked in depth about his problems aside from what I’ve said above. I’ve been thinking an awful lot over the past month and a half since he said he wanted a break, and have re-evaluated a lot of what I’ve been thinking, both about the relationship and my wider self. To give some context, I am not out to my parents, who I still live with, and so haven’t introduced him to them. They’re a big part of my life, but I just hadn’t been feeling right within myself to tell them up until that point. In all honesty, I had been working up to telling them before Christmas, as it felt serious with my BF and I was becoming more accepting of myself and less worried about what others would think. I’d had a couple of panic attacks before trying to tell them, so hadn’t actually done it before we went on a break. I am out to friends, and had introduced him to a few, and we even booked to go on holiday this coming year with him and friends.

While I have been thinking about an awful lot of things, I would say my own mental health has taken a significant dip in the past month and a half, certainly triggered by what’s happened, but not only about the relationship - it’s made me think more widely about not being out to my parents, how socially anxious and nervous I can be, as well as how I make decisions on the whole - and whether I really take my own opinion first in decisions I make. I am starting some CBT to help, as I think my issues do generally go beyond just the relationship and would like to explore them more with a professional, regardless.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion over this month that I would actually move to NZ - I have talked about studying/working overseas before, I think NZ is my sort of place (beautiful, relatively quiet, culturally not too dissimilar to the UK). Truth be told, when I first was asked the question by my BF about moving to NZ, I didn’t even think of what I would want - my first thought was ‘how would I tell my parents/what would they think’. I feel that when I take a step back, and think about what I would genuinely like to do, that yes, I would move to NZ. I’ve also thought more generally about not being out, and while I don’t want to come out right now (it would feel rather negative), once I’ve got some clarity on where this relationship is, either way, I will tell them, once I’m feeling better about the whole situation.

I have tried to talk to my BF in the past week or so, about us and where we are, but the reply I had was ‘sorry, I’m just not in the headspace to talk about this right now’. I don’t want to force my thoughts upon him, because I feel like he should work through his own issues at his own pace, but at the same time, not telling him what I’m feeling is having a detrimental impact on my own mental health at this point. He has firmly said that his own issues are ‘not about me’ and he just needs to concentrate on himself for a while. I have, though, told him of my own mental health state, as I felt it was important to let him know.

To further complicate things, he’s told me that he’s been offered a job back in NZ, where he used to work, from September this year, and he needs to give an answer before the end of this month. He has said he hasn’t decided what to do yet, but now there is a bit of a more urgent timescale on what I should do. Should I let him know what I’m thinking, and how I’m feeling, or should I leave him alone, let him make his own decision?

I think in reality, we both would need to be in better places, mental health wise, before resuming our relationship, but I am just very conflicted on how I should move forward, both with my own opinions and issues, and his. I’m unsure on what his true thinking is - the thing that’s confusing to me is the timing of asking me to go to NZ - me not being sure at the time - him then saying 2 days later about a break. And the fact is I have had a lot of thoughts about it - and I don’t believe the conclusion I’ve come to is rash or solely based on wanting to get back together with him right away.

Now, terribly sorry for the essay - any advice either way would be much appreciated. And yes, writing it all down really did feel good, and helpful :)