[Long post sorry I’m advance.] I’m very confused. A couple of months ago my ex (27) broke up with me (29) and called me insecure, said jealousy wasn’t attractive, pushed me to the ground cause I was crying, amongst other things.

I felt very anxious in the relationship due to how they engaged with provocative accounts from people they knew from apps. Explained that it was a life style I left a while back and didn’t want to be apart of due to always getting cheated on in the past when I allowed to happen cause I was trusting. I felt three times for it to happen to me was enough for me to decide maybe I needed to not be with someone like that anymore. I was made to feel crazy, however I never left this time cause I still loved them. I gave them a lot of me but never felt safe. After the break up they told me they never had to worry about being cheated on by me because I always made them feel safe.

Anyways when they broke up with me, I told them I understood and they thanked me. But we stayed in contact, and spoke about possibly in the future getting back together, eventually I explained that I felt it would be better for us to go our seperate ways if there was any chance of that happeneing so that I could heal from the things that were said to me, I placed that boundary, but then they texted me days later apologizing and I read that wrong as it was one of the sweetest texts, that was my fault. And I got back in contact with them. This went on for a couple of months (June-sept), we slept together, went to a concert, hung out a few times, until I felt them withdraw. I asked if they met someone new. They said no. I started feeling really uneasy, like I was being lied to. I found out through one of their accounts that they had been seeing someone two weeks after our break up and I didn’t know, the guys was one of the people I felt uneasy about from their accounts while we were together. When I confronted them about it, they said they lied to me about everything cause they felt bad and didn’t want to hurt my feelings and then blocked me.

I became really confused and emotional, the following weeks, ended up in the hospital, when I got out they apologized and proceeded to tell me how they understood why I felt jealous in the relationship as they were feeling it now with the guy he’s with. This also confused me as I didn’t understand why he was telling me this. I made a stupid post online saying I hate them only for their eyes to see, which was immature. I was feeling really broken. I didn’t respect myself at all.

when I called to apologize for that, they threatened to get the police involved on me, and told me even if they were single they wouldn’t be with me. And that they were scared I was going to show up to their house and hurt them, even though I never showed signs of physical or put my hands on them in that way, when we would speak they would punch things out of frustration. I stopped after that message speaking to them.

why do I feel like it was all my fault, I feel manipulated, but am also upset I didn’t love myself enough to leave. I feel like a horrible person and partner for voicing my concerns about social media and fear of being cheated on. I feel im unworthy of validating my feelings and experience because I was emotional, and because I feel a lot of gay relationships are open, and so I’m wrong or boring for not being in one.