My partner and I are in our late 40s and in a relationship for a little over 2 years. We still live separately in the same city but spend about 4 or 5 nights together on average.

He wants a "don't ask, don't tell" open relationship where we play individually and together. We tried being open a couple of times in the past with not good results.

A couple of factors were involved why our 3some experiences were not good. But a big one was some of the 3rds were guys he was hooking up with individually on the regular. I found out after and it made me extremely upset.

I was upset for a few reasons. Mainly because if things were reversed I know my partner would be totally pissed to learn we played with someone I was hooking up with individually and I did not tell him before we played with that person.

Plus, two of the guys were people I would call friends. Not close friends but people we both know and have hung out with. (One was someone I used to hookup with prior to my partner and I meeting. Another was someone my partner used to hookup with before we met.)

I felt like both of them were keeping a secret from me, deceiving me, and manipulating me. Especially after I asked my partner on at least three occasions if he was hooking up with them and he lied each time. And I found out he told both of them I was asking questions and to keep quiet about things. Finally in a very heated argument where I became outraged my partner finally admitted to me he was hooking up with them.

Since then we have been closed and I don't know how we will ever be open again.

So how do others in open relationships handle 3somes?

And is "don't ask, don't tell" viable in an open relationship?

I just believe healthy successful relationships should be as honest and transparent as possible.