I'm not pansexual, I'm gay.

Since 2015, after a short battle with my sexuality, I decided to self-identify as pansexual due to my confusing and quite frankly conflicting feelings towards different genders. What uses to confuse me was my supposed favouritism towards men when it came to sex and my heteromantic fantasy of one say find my true female love, a bias that I've had since I was a kid. Part of me didn't want to be with a man, despite just how much they turned me on, because I was worried that I would ruin the novelty of having a girlfriend. I didn't want to not fulfil that aching desire I've had for years which was to find my female soulmate.

Even back then though I knew for a fact that if given a choice between having sex with a man or woman, I'd pick the man every single time. Back then, I would have said it's because I want to be penetrated and that's partly true, I'm a bottom. I want cock in my ass. I've been shoving things up my butt since my crazy teenage experimentation days and the need to fill my backend has only grown stronger as the years have gone on. But that's not why I'm gay. Anyone, even straight guys, can enjoy anal stimulation and anal sex. It goes so much deeper than I imagined.

I'm sexually attracted to men. Sure, I have a particular type that I find most sexy but there's something about a man's body that just does something for me that a woman's doesn't. And it's not just cock that makes the difference, as much as I love a big juicy dick to drool over. It's much more than that. I'm attracted to the rest of their bodies and my desire to lay with another man and explore each other's bodies has never been more intense.

The thought of meeting up with a guy and getting to know him, spending time with him, hugging him, kissing him, taking off our clothes together, rubbing each other's bodies, having romantic sex and loving him like a soulmate does so much more for me than imagining the same scenario with a woman. There's a certain magic that just isn't there when I think of women, whereas with men I feel a special kind of euphoria come over me, my body gets hot and my cheeks turn scarlet. My body quivers and my libido shoots through the fucking roof.

I still feel like I could be romantically attracted to women and most of my crushes, including recents, have all been women but there's just something missing. It's like it's not real or that there's a gaping hole between us. It feels false and soulless. When I was younger, I would often suppress my gay feelings and try to convince myself that I was still somehow straight, despite the nature of my masturbation. Recently, I've allowed myself to imagine romantic situations with men and things are now so much more clear. The romantic, the sexual and the sensual sensations that I receive from thinking of men leaves me with one conclusion.

I'm gay.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am pansexual. I still feel something for people of other genders but what I'm not entirely sure. What I do know for a fact though is that I'm attracted to men and that it's one of the most intense feelings I have experienced and that I should have been more honest with myself much earlier.